Relapse
by Jacinta-10
Summary: After admitting to Leo that he's having a few problems, things start to spiral out of control for Josh. Chapter 6 now uploaded
1. All In The Mind

TITLE: **Relapse, Part 1 - All In The Mind**  
AUTHOR: Jacinta & Willow  
SUMMARY: Josh meets with Stanley, after admitting to Leo that he's having a few problems.  
SPOILERS: It's a/u time again, but anything up to S4 is fair game, specifically ITSOTG and Noel.  
CHARACTERS: Josh, Leo, Toby, Donna and Stanley.  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: Now the property of NBC, Warner Bros. and John Wells, but they'll always be Aaron's for us. 

* * *

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2nd 2003, WASHINGTON

As Leo walks through the West Wing he notices CJ's office door is slightly ajar. He hopes CJ went home hours ago, seeing as it's almost 2 in the morning. How many times does he have to remind the staff to lock up before they leave? He's just about to close the door when he spots the sleeping form of his deputy on the couch. 

"Josh, what are you doing?" he asks from the doorway.

"Umm," comes the muffled reply, as Josh pulls his jacket closer round him.

"It's 2am," Leo says a little louder. "Why are you in CJ's office?"

"Been out for a drink."

"Why didn't you go home?" Leo perseveres.

Josh peers up at Leo. "Couldn't get there."

"But you got here."

"Easy address," Josh replies, closing his eyes.

Leo shakes his head. "Come on, I'll take you home."

"I'm good here," Josh protests.

"Stand up," Leo instructs.

Josh sits up and attempts to stand. "Very tired."

"Very _drunk_," Leo amends. "Where are the others?"

"Dunno. Had a fight," Josh tries to stand again, this time more successfully, and follows Leo out of the building.

_____________________________

Leo had intended taking Josh home, but Josh couldn't find his keys so they went back to Leo's hotel suite and Josh fell asleep on the sofa. When something wakes Leo at just after 6, he finds Josh in the next room lying staring at the ceiling and breathing heavily. What worries Leo though is Josh's pallor, he's deathly white. "Josh?" he asks. When Josh doesn't move, Leo crouches down next to him, "Hey, you OK?"

Josh turns to look at him and swallows, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. "Yeh. It was just a dream," Josh replies in a voice that's barely above a whisper. He really wishes Leo would leave him alone, he doesn't want him to know what's wrong.

Leo's still worried. Although Josh's breathing is more normal now and he's got some color back, there's a distant look in his eyes that Leo doesn't like. "What about?" he asks.

That was the question Josh had dreaded, because he doesn't think he's got the strength to lie to Leo, plus he's still a little drunk, which isn't helping anywhere near as much as he thought it would. "Rosslyn."

"You OK now?" Leo asks, well aware that Josh just wants his privacy. 'Rosslyn' was the answer Leo had expected, it's the anniversary this Thursday. When Josh nods, Leo touches him gently on the head and stands up. "I'll see you later then."

_____________________________

At 8.30 Leo walks through the living room and looks down at Josh, who's sound asleep. He collects the newspaper from outside the room, makes a coffee and starts the crossword. Half an hour later Josh opens his eyes and groans. 

"Morning," Leo smiles.

"Morning. What time is it?"

"9.15," Leo tells him.

"Aren't we're late?"

"It's Sunday."

"Oh yeh," Josh lies looking up at the ceiling until it stops spinning and then sits up. "How'd I end up here?"

Leo hands him a coffee, strong and black. While he's never believed that black coffee cures a hangover, he's not too sure Josh's system could handle much else at the moment. "I found you trying to sleep in CJ's office."

"I know, but I thought you'd take me home. I don't remember coming here."

"You were pretty drunk, you couldn't find your apartment keys."

Josh thinks about that for a moment and then remembers. The keys kept digging in every time he lay down, so he put them on CJ's desk. He looks up at Leo, "They're in CJ's office. Leo, I didn't do anything last night did I?"

"Apparently you had a fight, which I'm hoping wasn't an _actual_ fight or CJ's gonna kill you," Leo helpfully tells him.

"A fight? I don't remem.... Oh God," Josh runs his hands through his hair.

Leo watches him with an amused expression. "If you're gonna throw up......"

"I can hold my liquor," Josh protests.

Leo smiles indulgently. "Who'd you fight with?" As if he needs to ask.

"Donna," Josh mutters.

"Do I want to know?"

"Joe Quincy asked her on a date."

"And?"

"She's going to go with him."

"Well she's single, I assume he's single, he seems like an okay guy, what's the problem? Besides the obvious of course."

"He's a Republican," Josh complains.

"You hired him," Leo points out.

Josh looks questioningly at Leo. "What obvious?"

"Sorry?"

"You said, 'besides the obvious'."

"He's a Republican," Leo smiles. Then he looks seriously at Josh, "Are you alright."

"Bit hungover," Josh replies.

"I meant in general, you feeling alright?"

"I thought we'd stopped... " Josh catches Leo's concerned look, "I haven't been sleeping too well. Can we do this later, I don't feel good?"

"No, I think we should do it now. What happened last night?"

"I told you."

"I don't mean with Donna."

"I went out to get drunk."

"With Donna?"

"No," Josh reluctantly admits. "I haven't seen her since we left work. I was alone."

"Josh!" Leo sighs.

"Every night last week, Leo, every night, I've been woken by the same dream. I just thought....." Josh leans forward and runs his hands through his hair. "I can't go through that again."

Leo feels a sudden dread at Josh's words. "Have you had any episodes?"

"No worse than normal," Josh says, before he has time to think what he's saying. He sees Leo's expression change and hastens to clarify. "I have PTSD, Leo. I'm always gonna have some symptoms, but I can control them. Honestly. No one knows I have them, so it must be under control," he argues. No one except Donna that is.

Leo tries to digest that piece of information for a moment before asking, "But you don't normally have nightmares?"

"Not about Rosslyn, no. I just wanted to sleep, Leo."

"Josh, getting drunk to forget your fears and to help you sleep is the start of a very slippery slope."

"Yeh," Josh snaps, not in the mood for a lecture. "I should go home."

"You don't have any keys," Leo absently points out. "Have something to eat and I'll drive you to the White House."

"Yeh okay," Josh agrees.

If Leo's surprised that Josh agreed so readily, he doesn't show it, instead he hands him the room service menu and smiles, "Perks of living in a hotel."

_____________________________

After they've eaten, Leo can't hold back any longer. "Do you want to talk?"

"There's nothing to talk about. I don't know what's triggered it. I'll be fine, don't worry, it'll pass."

"It's kind of hard not to worry, Josh. You don't think it's 'cos of the anniversary this week?" Leo suggests.

"No."

"Why are you so sure if you don't know what the trigger was?" When Josh doesn't answer, Leo continues, "Because you do know, don't you?"

"It's too ridiculous."

"What is?"

"It was just a movie. It was set like a hundred years ago for God's sake." Josh can feel himself getting angry and tries to calm down.

"Was there shooting in it?"

"Yeh, but if I can't watch a movie with shooting in it, my viewing options are kind of limited."

"What was the movie?"

"Michael Collins."

"Well, that's a pretty violent movie, Josh. Not to mention the fact that it's true," Leo points out.

"I know," Josh sighs. As soon as the scene where Collins is shot had played, Josh was hit by a sudden feeling of panic.

"You need to tell Stanley that."

"I've an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday anyway. I should go. I need to get changed and then I've some serious apologizing to do."

"I'll run you to the White House to get your keys. Don't argue, I'm going to the Residence anyway." Leo picks up his jacket and car keys. "Promise me you'll call Stanley," he tells Josh, who nods. "And sort things out with Donna for God's sake, 'cos the two of you are driving us all nuts."

_____________________________

Josh has made it home, he's showered and changed. He's called his mom, he's called CJ to apologize for missing meeting her at the gym as he'd arranged and now he knows he has to face Donna. He pulls up outside her building, walks up the steps and rings the bell.

"Yeh?"

"Can I come up?"

"It's Sunday, what do you want?"

"To apologize. Please let me up."

"Come in." Josh can hear the resigned sigh in Donna's voice. When he walks into the apartment, he expects her to turn on him, but instead she asks. "Did CJ find you?"

"Yeh. I stayed the night at Leo's. Look," Josh starts, "I'm an idiot, I think we can agree on that, right?" he smiles, but Donna just stares at him. "You should go out with Joe. He's a nice guy, I know you like him. You should go out and have a good time and forget about work and all my crap."

"Oh thanks, in that case I will, I mean after all I was just waiting for your permission," Donna rounds on him. "I can function perfectly well without you, you know. What did you think, I was sat in my apartment all teary because you'd been mean to me, again?"

Josh turns back to the door. "I just called by to say sorry. I'll leave."

"Hang on. You stayed at Leo's? Why?"

"I couldn't find my keys."

"Why Leo's?"

"Does it matter? Look I'll see you tomorrow." With that he walks out of the apartment.

Donna watches him go and has a strange feeling of deja vu. The things he said to her yesterday, it was like when she had the date just before Christmas a couple of years ago. He didn't say the same things, but his tone and meaning and manner, they were the same. "Josh," she calls. "Are you OK?"

Josh stops at the top of the stairs and turns to face Donna. "Yeh. I got drunk and couldn't find my way home. Leo found me in the office," he smiles. "You know what I'm like. I'll see you tomorrow."

**___________________________________________________________________________**

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 6th 2003, SAN FRANCISCO

"They've only got two rooms for us, so it looks like you two are sharing," Donna smiles as she hands Toby the room key.

"Fine," Toby nods glancing across the lobby at Josh, who's on the phone to Leo. "Is he alright?" he asks.

"It's the anniversary, I don't think he's slept too well the last couple of nights."

"You think that's all it is?" Toby asks.

"Why, what's he done?"

"Nothing," he shrugs. "He just seemed a bit distracted on the flight and he was very quiet in the meeting before."

"He's tired," Donna replies, glancing worriedly in Josh's direction.

Toby nods, but he's no more convinced that the problem is lack of sleep than Donna is. "Everything okay?" he asks Josh when he joins them.

"Yeh. Will's going to email tomorrow night's speech to you."

"Okay. We're sharing," Toby tells Josh as they enter the elevator.

_____________________________

An hour later Josh is sat in the hotel bar reading the notes he should have read earlier on the plane, if he'd been able to concentrate. "Hey," he smiles at Donna as she joins him. "You okay?"

"Considering I had to cancel a date with a good looking, funny guy to look after you and Toby?" Donna smiles. "Yeh I'm fine."

"I'm sorry, it couldn't be helped."

"I know. What time are we leaving tomorrow?"

"Flight's at 3.40. So we have some free time, provided the road meeting doesn't drag on too long."

"You can take me shopping," Donna teases.

"I can, can I?" Josh smiles.

"Yes. As an apology."

"I didn't make Bonny ill," he protests.

"Not for that."

"I know. I am sorry about what I said. I've been a little off recently."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"No," Josh admits.

"Tell me."

"It's just the anniversary. It'll pass."

Donna suspects it's more than that. He's been shutting her out for weeks now and this morning on the flight he seemed very on edge. "Where you okay on the plane earlier?"

"Yeh, I was.... "Josh stops and shakes his head. "No, not really." 

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not here."

_____________________________

As Toby climbs back into bed he hears Josh cry out from the other side of the room. Toby never sleeps well in hotels and this is third time he's noticed Josh having, what he assumes, is a nightmare. He goes over to him and gently shakes his shoulder. "Josh? Hey, wake up."

Josh can hear Toby calling him. He's bleeding and it hurts. People are walking past him, but it's okay now because he can hear Toby calling him. He slowly opens his eyes and looks up, relief flooding through him that he's been found. But something's not right, this isn't the Newseum. Josh blinks hard and stares at Toby trying to focus his thoughts. Gradually he comes back to the present and remembers where he is. He's not bleeding to death at Rosslyn, he's in a hotel room in California. "I'm alright," he manages to whisper. 

"No you're not. That's the third time tonight, Josh. What's going on?"

"Nothing," Josh mutters as he closes his eyes again.

"Tell me."

"It was just a nightmare. I get them occasionally."

"This bad?"

"No," Josh reluctantly admits.

"Have you had any other symptoms. Anymore than normal I mean?" Toby notes the surprise on Josh's face. "I have the internet. I did a search of Google after you were diagnosed."

"Right."

"So?"

"I've not been having flashbacks if that's what you're asking."

"But you are having bad episodes?"

"Yeh," Josh nods. "Nightmares mainly, some panic and I've been.... I've been zoning out," he quietly admits.

"You really need to talk to Dr Keyworth, you know that." Toby watches Josh until he nods in agreement. "What started it?"

"Watching a movie." Josh tells Toby the same as he told Leo, even though it's not entirely true. It is true that the nightmares of Rosslyn got worse after he watched Michael Collins, but the episodes have been getting steadily worse since May and his dreams of the fire have been different to normal, which is always a sign that something's wrong.

"I'm going to get Donna to call Dr Keyworth in the morning," Toby tells him.

_____________________________

"How've you been?" Stanley asks as he sits next to Josh on the park bench. 

"I've been well. Yourself?"

Stanley smiles. "I've had a slight head cold, but I'm feeling better now." He looks at Josh. "So why'd Donna call me?"

Josh shrugs, "It's the anniversary."

"Is that why you're in San Francisco instead of Washington?"

"I dunno, although this is the third year Leo's sent me away for today, so maybe."

"But you're here to work?"

"Yeh. We had meetings yesterday and this morning. How come you're here?"

"My nephew's getting married."

"I didn't mean to drag you away from a family thing," Josh tells him.

"If you'd ever met my family you'd know that I'm quite happy to sit here all day," Stanley laughs. "So how've you been, and the truth would probably be more helpful this time."

Josh looks across the park and watches some children playing chase with their dog. He glances at Stanley. "I've not been sleeping too well."

"Bad dreams?"

"Yeh."

"Have you had any episodes?"

"Yeh."

"Go on."

Josh looks back across the park. "I've been having panic attacks and zoning out. On the flight here I was trying to read some notes, but I couldn't focus on them. Everything........ You know what happens."

"Yes, but I want you to tell me, that's the point of this. Everything?" Stanley prompts.

"Everything seemed unreal somehow, far away. No that's not it, but I can't think how to describe it. It's like, I knew I was sat on a plane in between Toby and Donna, but I felt like I wasn't really there. I kept trying to concentrate on what I reading, but the words made no sense."

"Go on."

Josh is silent for a few seconds before asking, "When's the wedding?"

"Tomorrow," Stanley replies with a slight smile at Josh attempt to steer the conversation. "On the plane?" he asks.

Josh shrugs. "I felt, numb I guess. Not emotionally, I mean literally. I couldn't hold my pen, it was like my hand wasn't connected to my brain anymore." He looks at Stanley, "Do you know how scary a panic attack is on an aircraft."

"I can imagine. What did you do?"

"Closed my eyes and concentrated on other things."

"And it passed?"

"After about half an hour, yeh."

"Did anyone notice?"

Josh really hopes not. "I think they thought I was asleep."

Stanley nods. "These are worse than normal?"

"Yeh, much worse. Normally I know when I'm having a bad day and I can take measures to control it before it takes hold. But recently, it just hits me without warning."

"You're scared you're going to have flashbacks?" Stanley asks, Josh nods. "Have you?"

"No." Josh smiles suddenly, "And I can listen to music."

Stanley watches him knowingly, "You've been listening to classical music to see what happens?"

"Yeh," Josh admits.

"And what does happen?"

"I get bored," Josh smiles.

"This is nothing like last time you know. For a start when you tell you're not having flashbacks, I believe you. I had a long talk with Donna this morning, you said that was alright?"

Josh nods. "What did she say?"

"She told me about your sister."

"That has nothing to do with this," Josh protests.

Stanley can feel the barriers going up, but he's dealt with Josh's defenses before. "Really? You don't think it's possible that your PTSD goes back to then?" When Josh doesn't respond, Stanley carries on. "That was far more traumatic than Rosslyn."

"You ever been shot, Stanley?"

"No," Stanley smiles, before looking seriously at Josh, "And I've never stood and watched a house fire knowing my sister was trapped inside. But I can imagine which would have a more lasting effect psychologically."

Josh hangs his head and closes his eyes. "I don't want to talk about Joanie."

"Donna tells me she loved music. She played and she wanted to be an orchestra conductor?" Stanley asks, Josh nods but doesn't look up. "Was she good?" 

"She'd just won a scholarship."

"Did you enjoy listening to her?"

"Yeh."

"That might explain why music triggered your flashbacks."

"Joanie and Rosslyn aren't connected, not even in my head," Josh insists.

"You don't think?" Stanley asks. "You never mentioned her to me before."

"I'm surprised Leo didn't when you spoke to him."

"He did. He didn't tell me that you were the only other person there or that you felt so guilty." Then Stanley comes to what he knows is the crux of the problem. "Zoey's kidnap wasn't your fault."

Josh looks sideways at Stanley. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"I think you should talk about your sister."

"It was over thirty years ago, it's got nothing to do with how I feel now."

"You know that isn't true, Josh. You know that most of this is related to what happened that night." Stanley shifts position so that he can look at Josh. "Tell me about the fire?"

Josh falls back on misdirection, "This is a very strange place for a therapy session you know."

"We can go someplace else if you'd prefer. Back to your hotel room or mine. But I still want you to talk to me about that night."

Josh sits in silence and thinks how much he preferred his old therapist, Dr Radford. But he knows that a therapist who doesn't bully him isn't going to help him either and there's no way this Stanley is going to let him take seven years to tell the truth.

"Josh?"

"There was a fire, she was trapped I got out."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why was there a fire?"

Josh think back to that night in June 1970. "My parents had gone out for a meal with some friends. We were making popcorn while Joanie was washing up our dinner things and I hovered in the doorway watching the TV in the next room. I turned back into the kitchen and there smoke coming from the popcorn maker......." Josh stares quietly down at his hands as he remembers.

_"Joanie it's smoking," Josh tells his elder sister.  
"Stay over there," Joanie instructs as she dashes across the kitchen and unplugs the machine. It's too late though. The smoke has turned to fire and it's spreading fast. "Pass me some water."  
Josh goes to the sink and fills a jug with the washing up water, but the fire's already got hold of the curtains and is starting on the kitchen cupboards. "Come on out," Josh urges as the flames reach the ceiling.  
"Go next door and get Mr Fisher," Joanie tells him. "Don't be scared, it'll be alright," she assures him as he hesitates.  
Josh stands at the back door, "Come with me."  
"I'll be behind you. Just go, Josh. Run."  
Josh opens the back door and runs across the yard. As he reaches the gate he hears a crash and a roar. He stops and looks back to see if Joanie's behind him, but all he can see are flames and smoke coming from the kitchen window and door. He screams her name, but she doesn't appear. He thinks about going back to get her, but she'd told him to go next door and get help, so he opens the gate, climbs the small fence between the two houses and hammers on the Fisher's door.  
The door's opened by Gladys Fisher, "Josh, what are you doing......."  
"It's on fire, the kitchen....." Josh begins, but Gladys has already seen that.  
"Mark, Jack," she shouts for her son and husband, "there's a fire next door," she calls to them, as she picks up the phone and dials 911.  
The men run out of the house and stop and stare for a moment. "Where's your parents and Joanie?" Jack asks Josh.  
"Joanie's in the kitchen," Josh tells them.  
They know there's no way they're getting in through the kitchen and they can see the fire's spreading through the house now. They run to the front door but it's locked, so they break a window, open it and climb in. Josh and Gladys watch, Josh struggling to break free, but Gladys has a tight hold of him, as they wait for their loved ones to appear. After a couple of minutes Mark and Jack stumble back out of the house and stand coughing.  
"We can't get in there," Mark tells his mother in between coughs. There are tears on his face when he turns to Josh. "I'm sorry, we can't get to the kitchen."  
_

Stanley watches Josh as the silence drags on. "Josh?"

Josh looks up and frowns. "The fire spread so quickly. I never understood how it spread so quickly. The neighbors tried to get to her. The firefighters came and an ambulance. I should have made her leave with me."

"How old were you?"

"Eight."

"How old was she?"

"Sixteen."

"If you'd have stayed what could you have done?"

Josh shrugs and shakes his head. "Nothing."

"But?" Stanley prompts.

"She wouldn't have been alone."

"Yeh," Stanley agrees. He's been a psychiatrist for long enough to know that Josh's guilt over his sister's death is something that will always be there. "I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could say that would help."

"There isn't. Everyone tells me the same things. My parents, my grandfather, Leo, Sam, Donna. They've all said there was nothing I could have done. It wasn't my fault. I guess I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that I was stood right next to her and I left her there."

"Have you had nightmares since then?"

"Yeh."

"Always the same?"

"Yeh."

"Really?" Stanley asks.

"No," Josh admits. Usually his dreams of the fire are of what actually happened. But occasionally they're worse than that. In some he hears her scream for him, that's bad enough. But very occasionally he sees her at the kitchen window as the flames spread round her. Neither of those things happened, but they're the dreams he's been having on and off since May. "Some are worse than others." 

"Have they been worse recently?"

Josh tries to block Stanley out again. "It's just 'cos of the anniversary."

"What are they about, Rosslyn or the fire?"

"Stanley." Josh knows Stanley's not going to give up and he might as well tell him. "Both, mainly the fire."

"Started getting worse back in May?"

"Yeh."

"You want me to explain why to you?"

"I'm no challenge at all am I?" Josh asks with a sad smile.

"No," Stanley agrees. 

"I should get going, the flight's at 3.40."

Stanley stands with Josh. "You couldn't have done anything to prevent Zoey being kidnapped. You have however done all you can to help her since. She told me you helped persuade her to talk to me."

"She doing okay?" Josh asks, then answers his own question. "Yeh I know you can't tell me."

"No, I can't," Stanley agrees. "When you talk to Dr Hornby do you tell him about Joanie?"

"No."

"You're going to have to, Josh. You need to talk about this. I honestly think your PTSD started back then and if we're going to treat it successfully we have to get to the cause." Stanley can see Josh is going to argue. "I realize it's hard. You trust Dr Hornby?"

Josh nods, "Yeh I do."

"I'm going to pass the notes of today onto him." 

"You haven't made any notes."

"In my head," Stanley tells him. "You be okay on the flight home?"

"Yeh, Donna and Toby are with me, I'll be fine." 

"See, nothing at all like last time," Stanley smiles. "You would never have let them help back then. Make an appointment with Dr Hornby. I'll be checking with Donna."

"I know. Thanks for seeing me."

"You're my favorite client," Stanley deadpans as he shakes Josh's hand.

Continued.....


	2. Consequences Part 1

TITLE: **Relapse - Consequences (Part 1)**  
AUTHOR: Jacinta and Willow  
SUMMARY: Leo has to deal with the consequences of a mistake  
SPOILERS: Anything up to S4  
CHARACTERS: Ensemble  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: Definitely not mine 

* * *

THURSDAY, 9.30PM, WHITE HOUSE 

"Josh," Leo calls down the corridor, Josh turns and reluctantly waits. "You going home?" Leo asks.

"Yeh. It's 9.30, I've finished all my work."

"You dealt with Hunter?" Leo asks as they continue walking.

"The report's on your desk."

"And the road people?"

"We going to do this everyday from now on?" Josh asks. "'Cos if you're going to check on everything I do, you may as well do it yourself." He opens the door to the lobby. "If that's all, I'm going home."

As Leo watches Josh walk through the lobby he feels a range of emotions. One being anger at Josh for his insolent attitude, but he's also worried that Josh really isn't handling the situation all that well. 

"He knows he messed up."

Leo turns to face Toby. "He really messed up, Toby. This isn't something that's fixable and it isn't the first time."

"He's human, he is allowed to make mistakes."

"Yes. But we have to live with the consequences."

Toby knows that, he's been dealing with the fallout for almost two weeks now. He feels he should point out something that's been bothering him for a few days. "We don't really know what happened, Leo."

"If there's more, he should tell us. You off home?"

"Yeh. You want to check I've done all my work before I go?" Toby asks.

Leo's a little taken a back by Toby's comment, and "No," is all he manages in reply.

"Just Josh then? I'll see you tomorrow."

Leo watches Toby walk away. "Toby," he calls. "Is he alright?"

Toby looks at Leo like he's lost his mind. "I wouldn't have thought so, no."

_____________________________

An hour later Leo's reading Josh's report on Hunter. It's very well written, all the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed. A perfect report, not the sort he usually receives from Josh, Leo can almost feel Josh's anger and resentment seeping out of the paper. He sighs and puts it in his Out tray. 

He really was angry with Josh, he still is. He can't believe he could have been so stupid as to piss Congressman Phillips off to the extent that he changed parties. They've been trying to spin the mess for almost two weeks now. Toby and CJ both think it's time to leave it alone. There's no way Phillips is coming back to them, unless he gets Josh's head. And while Leo has been sorely tempted, he isn't willing to be blackmailed in that way. Toby was angry with Josh at first, but now he seems sympathetic, he even commented that Josh isn't Mandy, they can't just keep him out of the loop as a punishment.

"Still here then?" Jed asks from the doorway.

"Mr President. Just finishing reading some reports."

"From Josh?" Jed asks.

"Yeh."

"You could try talking to him. It'd save a fortune in paper," Jed comments. "How long are you going punish him?"

"I'm not punishing him, Sir. He screwed up, majorly screwed up. He's been taking too much on and going off on his own missions too often."

"So you thought you'd rein him in."

"Mr President, all due respect, I thought staff was my department?"

"It is," Jed agrees. He wonders though if Leo realizes quite how much he's hurt Josh. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Night, Mr President."

_____________________________

THURSDAY 11PM, GEORGETOWN

"Are you going to let me in or do I sit here all night?" Toby asks Josh's answer phone. 

Josh sighs. Toby's been outside for an hour now. He followed him through the parking lot. He followed him out of the parking lot and then he followed him back to the apartment. Josh walks to the intercom and presses the button. A minute later Toby's stood at his front door. "What?" Josh asks.

Toby holds out a six pack of beer, which has two missing. "I started without you."

Josh hold the door open, "Come in then."

Toby walks into the lounge and sits on the sofa. The apartment's too quiet, there are empty beer bottles on the coffee table and, unusually, the TV's not on. Even when Josh was at his lowest after Rosslyn, he still insisted on watching the news. "What's going on?" Toby asks.

"If you mean work, then I'm hardly likely to know the answer to that, am I."

"So you thought you'd sit here and brood?"

"Actually no. I've made a decision."

"That's what I was afraid of."

"I know I screwed up. I'm the first to admit that it was a stupid thing to say in front of reporters. I know Leo's pissed as hell at me, and he's every right to be, as do you and CJ. But if he doesn't trust me to do the job anymore....."

"Who says he doesn't trust you?"

"He's checking everything I do. I'm virtually banned from meetings and from using my initiative. He's taken half my work away from me. Christ, Toby, he's got you and Will staffing the President."

"He's angry."

"It's more than that. He doesn't trust my judgment anymore. To be honest, and I may have too many of these," he adds an empty beer bottle to the ones already on the table, "I'm not sure I trust my judgment anymore. So in that case there's no point in my being there. Phillips wants my head, House Democrats want my head. I say give it to them."

"You want to be a martyr?"

"No. A martyr dies for his beliefs not his screw ups."

Toby's thought Josh looked tired since before his run in with Congressman Phillips. Now though, as he studies Josh's face, looks at his eyes, he sees it's more than that. "Are you alright?"

"Am I alright?"

"I mean... is everything alight, besides... work and Phillips." Toby watches Josh for a response, hoping he'll understand what he means without him having to say it. Although if he has to ask outright, he will. Hard as he finds it.

"Well my mom had her car stolen and my microwave broke, other than that......"

Toby glares at Josh. "Have you, are you sleeping?"

Josh looks down for a second and then back up at Toby. "You mean have I had any episodes?" he asks.

"Yeh." 

"You think that could be an excuse for my behavior. 'Hey, it's OK he screwed up 'cos he's got PTSD.' You really think that'll make Leo trust me."

"I don't care about Leo," Toby snaps. "Forget work. I want to know.... yeh, I want to know if you've had any episodes. And don't lie to me......."

"I'm fine."

"Don't_lie_to_me," Toby shouts. "I thought we'd agreed. I thought you promised not to keep this stuff to yourself. When you can't deal with it alone, you..... you said you'd tell me."

Josh knows that. He knows that he'd made that promise to Toby after he was diagnosed. Toby is the one person he can talk to who doesn't fuss round him and check on him every five minutes. Normally Donna notices when he's having problems and he does talk to her, but he sometimes thinks that's more for Donna than himself, to stop her worrying. "The anniversary was hard this year."

"I know, I was there, but that was over a month ago."

"It started up again."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I couldn't."

"Why?"

"No one's been too keen to talk to me recently, Toby. You included," Josh snaps.

"That was work, this is.... Does Donna know?"

"I think so. She keeps bringing me coffee." A fleeting smile crosses Josh's face, "Although she does that when she thinks I'm about to be fired."

"You're not going to be fired. Josh, you have to talk to someone."

"I've talked to Stanley."

"And?"

"He wants me to go and see my therapist."

"Why haven't you?"

"I'd have to tell Leo where I was going."

"You think he wouldn't let you?"

Josh looks angry again. "I think his faith in me is possibly at the lowest ever and a trip to a psychiatrist may just destroy what little's left."

_____________________________

THURSDAY 11.45, WHITE HOUSE

"Leo."

"Mr President, I thought you'd left?"

"I came back. I want to talk to you, as a friend not your President."

"About what?"

"Josh." Jed sits down.

"Sir, I thought we'd covered this?"

Jed ignores Leo and carries on. "Do you remember just after Christmas last year, the remote prayer thing?"

"Yeh."

"You remember how strongly Josh argued for it?"

"Yeh, he didn't want to loose the vote."

"Nah, that wasn't it."

"I seem to remember you saying that to him. Something about babies and bubbles."

"No. That wasn't what I was going to say to him. After you'd all left I told him he'd toss it all overboard to avoid disappointing you. I told him that he wanted to be the guy the guy counted on."

"I think you're wrong."

"He didn't argue with me., which is pretty rare for Josh." Jed studies Leo. "Come on, Leo, we both know the reason he works so damn hard for this administration isn't just me, in fact it's mainly you. And he does work hard, too hard at times. Maybe you're right to reduce his work load. But I think you're wrong to shut him out."

"Sir, due respect...."

Jed looses his temper, "Screw your respect, Leo. Do you know how much you've hurt him. Have you looked at him lately?"

"So I'm suppose to let him say what he wants so as not to upset him, to massage his ego?" Leo asks.

"Of course not. And it's not ego massaging. He knows he's screwed up and he knows how pissed everyone is at him. None of you are as angry with him as he is with himself. God, Leo, I thought you cared about Josh."

"I do care about him. But this isn't personal. He didn't scratch my new car for God sake. This is work....."

"Yes and that's more important to you at times than people isn't it?" Jed asks angrily. "Jenny certainly realized that. Does Jordan know?"

"We really aren't President and Chief Of Staff at the moment are we?" Leo reply is equally angry. "You think I should go easy on Josh 'cos he needs my approval. He's not ten."

"I think you're being a lot harder on Josh than you would have been on Toby or CJ or Will. I think he's disappointed you and you're angry and I think you're making this personal even if you think you're not." Jed calms down and looks at his friend. "Josh can take being reprimanded as well as anyone, but you've hurt him, Leo. You've shut him out. You've got Toby and Will, Will who'd been here nine months, going to meetings with him. You've taken work off him. You're making him write reports on everything he does and get your approval before he takes any action. You're treating him like an intern."

"How I choose to use the staff is my decision. If you want me...."

"I'm not going to tell you to involve him in things again. That's your decision." Jed voice hardens, "But I want him staffing for me again. Toby and Will are fine, but I need Josh in there. No one can analyze the information and tell me how it affects everything else as quickly, accurately or honestly as Josh."

"I'll tell him tomorrow."

"Fine." Jed stands, he knows he's annoyed Leo and he's about to do it some more. "Assuming he's still here tomorrow."

"Meaning?"

"You think he's going to stay here if he thinks no one trusts him anymore, if he believes you've lost faith in him. If you're not careful, Leo, you, we, are going to loose him. I'll see you tomorrow."

_____________________________

FRIDAY MORNING, 6.00am, CoS OFFICE

When Toby walks into Leo's office he isn't surprised to find his boss is already working. "Do you have a minute?" 

"You're in early."

"Yeh. I need to talk to you about Josh."

"Not you as well," Leo sighs. "Go on."

"I went to see him last night. He's pretty down, Leo." Toby had spent most of the night awake trying to decide what to do about Josh. He'd not wanted to leave him last night and he'd phone Donna and asked her to call round this morning. He knows he shouldn't be betraying Josh's confidence. He knows that Josh is right and Leo's faith in him has taken a battering. But he doesn't care. He's not willing to let the situation deteriorate to how it was at Christmas 2000.

"He's brooding," Leo tells him.

"No he isn't. I think.... He isn't sleeping. He's..... You knew he wasn't well around the anniversary."

"Yeh. He spoke to Stanley, he saw his therapist. He said he was okay."

"Yeh." Toby decides to leave that one for now and changes tactics. "He thinks you don't trust him anymore. I seriously think he's going to quit."

"Did he tell you that?"

"He told me you don't trust his judgment. Is he right?"

"No. I do trust him."

"Then what's going on? Because if you're just trying to punish him, you're doing a damn good job."

"You know I've already had this conversation with the President," Leo complains. "You really think he's going to quit?"

"What would you do if you thought you weren't trusted anymore? " Toby looses his temper and lets out what he's been bothering him all night. "You know he's told no one he's in trouble, that he's not sleeping, that he's..... he's told none of us because he figured we were pissed enough and PTSD on top of that would, to quote him, destroy what little faith we have left in him."

Leo's stunned by Toby's words and by his outburst. "I'll talk to him."

"It may be too late. You know Sam's thinking of running for the mayor's office?"

"Yeh. You think Josh would quit and go and work there?"

"I think it's a distinct possibility. I think Josh has reached the end of his tether, Leo. I think with everything that's happened over the last three years, this is maybe one thing too many."

"I'll talk to him."

_____________________________

8.00am CoS OFFICE

Josh doesn't say a word during senior staff. He sits in the corner of Leo's couch and, although he's half listening, he isn't interested. What's the point? None of it's going to involve him anyway. Donna knows what he's thinking of doing. She's told him to think about it some more, to give it more time. He agreed, to please her, but he doubts he's going to change his mind.

"Josh, Josh," Leo's saying. CJ nudges Josh who looks at Leo. "Wait behind," Leo tells him.

As CJ, Will and Toby walk back to their offices CJ asks, "Is Josh alright?"

"He doesn't look it," Will comments.

"My office," Toby tells them. Once the door's closed, Toby sits down and wonders what to say. 

"Toby?" Will asks.

"He's thinking of quitting," Toby tells them.

"You're not serious?" CJ asks. "I know Leo's pissed at him, hell we're all pissed at him, but he wouldn't quit. Josh loves this job."

"Not recently he doesn't." Will says, "Anyway, I agree with him."

"You what?" CJ asks angrily, "You think he should quit?"

"No, of course I don't. But if I was being treated like he is, I'd quit," Will tells her. 

"And so would you," Toby adds. "In fact you almost did."

"Yeh," CJ reluctantly agrees. "I know we've been hard on him, but he normally bounces right back."

"I don't think it's us," Toby says.

" Leo," CJ guesses.

"He thinks Leo doesn't trust him."

"Does Leo know that?" Will asks. "Because if he doesn't I think someone should tell him, before it's too late."

"You volunteering?" CJ asks.

"I already did," Toby tells them. "And so did the President, apparently."

"Then he'd better fix it, 'cos I don't think we can do this without Josh."

_____________________________

Once the other staff have left his office, Leo turns his attention to Josh. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. What do you want?" Josh knows he's bordering on insolence, but he's past caring.

Leo stands and closes the office doors, before sitting in the chair across from Josh. "Tell me what's going on."

"Nothing," Josh says. "I'm not allowed to do anything without your permission, so until you tell me what to do, then nothing."

Leo ignores the sarcasm. "I didn't mean work."

"Then it's none of your business. Can I go now?" Josh goes to stand.

"No. Sit down. You think I'm being hard on you?" Leo asks.

"I screwed up, I know that. And you've made your position very clear."

As Leo looks at Josh he realizes that Jed was right. Josh is hurting. Leo didn't realize he had that sort of power over Josh, it's quite frightening and it worries him. If they're going to carry on working together he has to be able to reprimand Josh without Josh falling apart. But then Jed's right there as well, Josh can take criticism as well as anyone, so maybe there's more to this than he first though. He also realizes that Toby was right. "You don't look well, Josh."

Although he'd been seriously considering handing in his resignation there's a voice in the back of his mind, actually it's Donna's voice, telling him that he should think some more about it first. "I was going to ask for some leave next week."

"That's pretty sort notice."

"You think you'd miss me?" Josh asks quietly before his temper breaks free. "I could sit in my office all day and doing nothing and it'd make no difference. Some days I don't know why the hell I bother getting out of bed. If you don't trust me anymore, Leo, if the president doesn't trust me, then you should just tell me. I think you owe me that."

"Of course I trust you," Leo argues.

"Well you've got a damn funny way of showing it."

Leo had wanted to talk to Josh, to explain his actions, but Josh's attitude makes him angry. "You seem to be forgetting that while you work for me, you do as I tell you. This is your job. I don't owe you anything." Leo's well aware that he's gone too far. This is Josh for God's sake.

"Then it's a good job I serve at the pleasure of the president," Josh replies in a voice that's far too hard for Leo's liking. "Can I go?"

"The president wants you staffing for him today."

Josh looks at Leo and wonders who's idea that was, but decides he doesn't want to know.

_____________________________

An hour later and Leo's not been able to concentrate on anything. He goes to see Josh, to resolve this one way or another. He walks into his deputy's office and closes the door. "I think we need to talk."

"Go on."

Leo sighs and sits in the visitor's chair. "If I didn't trust you anymore, you wouldn't still be here." When Josh doesn't reply, Leo continues. "I've spent the last twelve days defending you, although it seems no one here's noticed," he can't help but comment. "I've kept you away from meetings, from the Oval Office, from the press, but not because I don't trust you. They wanted your head on a platter, Josh, I could have given it to them."

"Except that you won't give in to blackmail. Don't try and kid yourself you've been protecting me, rather than the administration. If that was the case you'd have told me." Josh reaches into his backpack and pulls an envelope out. "I told Donna I wouldn't do this until I'd thought about it some more. But there's nothing left to think about."

Leo takes the envelope off him, but doesn't open it. "I'm not accepting this. You're not resigning because Phillips won't come back to us."

"No I'm not. Phillips is an idiot who has his own agenda. Everything I said was right and you know it. I understand you couldn't defend me publicly, I didn't expect you to. But you shut me out. You treated me like, I don't know. I know you're angry with me. I'm angry with me. But I meant every word I said to Phillips. He's a bigot, he's hated me since I worked for Earl Brennan. You heard what I said to him, but you never thought to ask why, to ask what he'd said to me. You just assumed I'd gone off on one. So no matter how much you say you trust me, you don't. The administration is your priority, and that's fine. I don't care anymore. I'm not sure I've cared for sometime now. If you don't accept my resignation that's your prerogative, but you can't force me into work."

Leo stares at Josh and suddenly feels like he's loosing a part of himself. "What did he say to you?"

"It doesn't matter now, it's too late."

_____________________________

Leo leaves Josh's office and knows that this is almost beyond repairing. He can only think of one, maybe two people who can fix it. As much as he wishes he was on that list, he knows he has no chance. He walks to Toby's office. "I'm sorry, Will, can you give us a minute?"

"Sure." Will glances at Toby and leaves the office.

Leo sits down. "I know it's probably a little late to ask, but do you know what did Phillips said to Josh?"

"He wouldn't tell me," Toby admits. He'd asked Josh a couple of days ago, but Josh had told him that it wasn't important anymore. "Why?"

"Because... he must have baited him. Who else was there?"

"It was at the end of the meeting, I think they were alone but I can find out. Leo, what's happened?"

Leo stands and walks to the door. "He resigned."

"You haven't accepted?"

"Of course I haven't. But, as he quite rightly pointed out, I can hardly force him to come into work."

"I'll find out." After Leo's left, Toby goes to see Josh.

"He's in with the President," Donna tells him.

"Doing what?" Toby asks nervously.

"Staffing."

"Okay. Do you know who else was at the meeting with Phillips?"

"Not this again. I thought maybe we were moving on."

Toby glances around the bullpen, but no one's within earshot. "He resigned."

"What? He told me he'd wait." She leads Toby into Josh's office. "Do you know how hurt he feels. He waited for one of you to ask what happened, but no one did. The only ones who asked why he said that to Phillips were Charlie and Sam."

"Did he tell them?"

"I don't know."

"Did he tell you?"

"Yes, but he made me promise to say nothing."

"What did he say?"

"Him and Josh have a history going back years, you know that?"

"Yeh."

_____________________________

The final meeting in the Oval Office is over and Josh gathers his papers. Jed walks behind his desk and smiles at Josh. "Don't tell Toby or Will, but that was better."

Josh smiles a little sadly, "Thank you, Sir."

"Josh, you're not thinking of doing anything stupid are you?"

"More stupid than normal, Sir?" Josh asks.

"I'm serious, Josh. This administration needs you, I need you."

"This was your idea then?"

"What did he say to you?"

"Who?"

"Congressman Phillips, what did he say to you? I know he baited you."

"It's not important, I shouldn't have reacted like I did."

"I can order you to tell me," Jed smiles.

"It doesn't matter now, I've already given Leo my resignation."

Jed smile fades and he stares at Josh. "You can't be serious." Jed glances at Leo office. "He hasn't accepted, surely?"

"No."

"Good. I know we were all angry...."

"Sir, I don't care whether you're all angry with me for the rest of the term. I can't work were I'm not trusted."

"This should have been handled differently. It can't be too late surely?"

Josh watches Jed. He can't quite believe that the President is virtually pleading with him not to quit. "Sir, you once told me that the staff have to trust Leo more than you. Well that applies the other way. He automatically assumed that I said that to Phillips for no reason, that I was just sounding off. He never once considered.... It doesn't matter anymore."

"Yes it does, Josh. Even if you're intent on leaving, it still matters. You can't leave things like this with Leo."

"You think the ball's in my court?"

"No it's in his," Jed admits. "But you have to be prepared to listen to him."

Part 2 ......


	3. Consequences Part 2

TITLE: **Relapse - Consequences (Part 2)**  
AUTHOR: Jacinta and Willow  
SUMMARY: Leo tries to talk to Josh  
SPOILERS: Anything up to S4  
CHARACTERS: Ensemble, mainly Josh and Leo  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: John Wells, NBC and many others own them 

* * *

10.40PM JOSH APARTMENT

Josh had finally got rid of Toby and Donna, after agreeing to sleep on his resignation. Toby had been furious when he'd found out what Phillips had said, and he'd been apologetic for not asking sooner. Josh is just considering phoning Sam when the door buzzer goes. "Yeh?" he answers.

"It's me."

"What do you want?"

"Are we going to do this over the intercom?"

"Come in." Josh presses the button, opens his front door and watches Leo walk up the hallway. "Drink?"

"Coffee'd be good." Leo follows Josh into the kitchen and watches him make the coffee. "You don't really want to live in California do you?" he asks in a attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

"Climate'd be better," Josh replies. No matter how angry and hurt he is by Leo's attitude, he's still Leo, although in a way, that's the reason he is so angry. He hands him the coffee, picks up his own and they go and sit in the lounge.

"Josh, no matter how angry you are with me, don't throw your career away over this. If you do then Phillips has won. You said early that you don't care anymore. I don't believe that."

Josh tries to think how to explain things to Leo. "I could never understand why Sam was so pissed off. I could never work out why he thought it wasn't going to get better. Sure, we have bad days, but we have good ones as well. The good we manage to do has always outweighed the crap for me. But recently, since May actually, I just can't see any good. I don't know that I want to do this anymore."

"Since Zoey's kidnap?"

"Yeh."

Leo watches Josh with concern. He knows it's hard enough normally getting Josh to open up. He very much doubts he's going to have any luck now, but he has to ask, "Has the PTSD been worse since then?"

"No," Josh says, a little too quickly. "Has Donna said something?"

"Like what?"

"I dunno, she fusses."

"She cares about you."

"Yeh, I know. That's another problem isn't it?"

Leo's not entirely sure how it's a problem, but he doesn't want distracting. "Tell me what Phillips said to you."

"You been sent by the President?"

"No. Although him and Toby have both given me a talking to." Leo watches Josh. "I'm here because I want to know. Because it may be too late to salvage a friendship, but I realize now I should have asked twelve days ago." 

Josh is disarmed by Leo's candor. "The meeting had gone well, though Ed did most of the talking, you might want to consider promoting him, if you can prise him away from Larry. We were just leaving, everyone had gone, so I thought. It turns out one of the interns was still there and heard everything, Toby tracked her down." Josh sighs. " I'm not sure why Phillips stands as a Democrat. He's not left wing, he's not liberal, his policies never have been. He says it's the only way he could win in his district, but I think that's just an excuse. You know he always disliked Earl Brennan?"

"Yeh, they had quite a few run-ins as I recall."

"He's a racist, Leo. He hates Earl because he's black, he thought me being his CoS was appropriate, seeing as I'm Jewish."

"What happened?"

"He said that he hoped I realized he wouldn't support 443, not when it was helping minorities."

"We expected that."

"Yeh. He told me he wasn't surprised I supported it. He wasn't surprised that this administration supported it."

"I don't...."

"He said that a President who hired blacks and Jews was bound to support a bill that helped scrounging immigrants. He said I should think myself lucky I'm allowed to be here because as far as he was concerned we should all have been sent back to the camps."

Leo suspects that wasn't quite how Phillips phrased it. 

"Normally I shrug off that kind of crap and if he'd have stopped then I would have, but he carried on, he.... I just saw red, I didn't realize we'd walked out into the corridor, I didn't realize there were reporters there. I know I shouldn't have said...... "

"What else did he say?"

Josh stands and walks over to the window, looking down at the street below. "If she hadn't got that letter last week." 

Leo watches him. "If who hadn't got what letter?"

"Donna. She got a letter warning her about the dangers of associating with Jews and blacks."

"Warning her in what way?" Leo asks in a voice that barely hiding the anger he's starting to feel.

"What way do you think, Leo?" Josh snaps, as he turns to face Leo. "Warning her that her life was as much in danger as mine or Toby's or Charlie's. Warning her that she should be very careful who she was.... who she was friends with." Josh hadn't intended telling Leo everything, but now he's started he can't hold back. "It warned Donna of the consequences of defiling herself and her race by sleeping with a Jew." Josh had been livid when he saw it, but Donna had thrown it away.

Leo looks just about as angry as Josh has seen him. "And Phillips said that to you?"

"Something along those lines, yeh."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You didn't ask. You just assumed that I'd got too cocky or that I'd opened my mouth without thinking. You didn't want to hear my side."

"I'm sorry, Josh. I should have asked you about it at the time," Leo shakes his head and sighs. "I was wrong. I shouldn't have shut you out. I do trust your judgment."

"You're just not too sure how often I'm me, functioning normally, and how often I'm hiding PTSD from you," Josh guesses. "I knew as soon as I told you that I have episodes but I cover then up, I knew then. I could see it in your eyes. Suddenly you realized that I could be in a meeting, worse I could be in the Oval Office, having an episode and you wouldn't know. When I blew up at Phillips that was your first thought wasn't it? You thought, 'ah shit, I knew this was going to happen.' You took work away from me, you took responsibility away from me, because you don't trust me to be in control." Josh looks straight at Leo. "Once I've let PTSD affect my work, once. But you're not sure about that are you? Suddenly you were wondering. That's what hurt. You of all people doubted me. Out of all of them, you should have understood."

Leo sits in silence and digests Josh's words. He can't deny that that was what he did, that was he thought.

Josh is still talking though, "I can't work for you if you're going to be questioning my every move. If you're constantly wondering whether I'm acting sanely. I can understand if the President thinks like that, if Toby or CJ or Will. But not you. I've never once doubted you. I've never once thought you couldn't do your job because you're an alcoholic. I thought you trusted me as much."

"I do trust you. I've never doubted your ability. I've never doubted your loyalty. You know what the really ridiculous part of this is?" Leo asks and then changes his mind.

"What?"

"It doesn't matter, forget it. I should go. Please think about your decision some more." Leo stands and takes his empty mug into the kitchen. 

"Tell me what you where going to say."

"You won't believe me, so there's little point."

"Try me." Josh is watching Leo and the look in his eyes says that he wants Leo to tell him a reason for his actions that he'll believe. A reason that'll make it all OK again.

"I thought I was protecting you. I'll see you tomorrow."

Josh follows Leo to the door. "From what?"

"I'll see you."

_____________________________

The next morning Toby arrives at Josh apartment early on his way to work.

"You making sure I'm going in?" Josh asks.

"Yes."

"At least you're honest," Josh comments as he walks back into the apartment. "Leo was here last night."

"Yeh?" Toby sounds hopeful. "What did he say?"

"Plenty." Josh fills him in on some of the conversation. "He says he thought he was protecting me. I don't know what he meant by that."

"From Phillips."

"I can handle Phillips."

"He wanted your blood, Josh. You humiliated him. He wanted revenge."

"And Leo was protecting me from him?" Josh sounds doubtful. "Then why didn't he tell me at the time?"

"Think how you would have reacted. Although I admit it probably couldn't have been worse than this."

"What could Phillips have done?"

"Stirred things up with media. Prompted people to ask questions about you. Found out about the PTSD."

"How would that have been worse than just shutting me out and not telling me why?"

"Yeh. It seemed like a good idea.... "

"You knew. You knew why he was doing this and you didn't tell me."

"I didn't know at first. He told me a few days ago. Josh, he said something I don't understand, he said you've had PTSD for a lot longer than three years?"

Josh wonders how honest to be with Toby, deciding he may as well tell him. "Leo and my mom have a theory, that Stanley now agrees with. They think the PTSD goes back to when I was a kid. Back to when my sister died."

"That's what, in a misguided way, he was trying to protect you from. I admit he was also angry and maybe he was punishing you by keeping you away from meetings, but he was trying to protect you."

"Then he should have been honest."

_____________________________

SUNDAY

Josh didn't see much of Leo at work on Saturday morning and he spent the rest of the day and the night thinking about his options and about the conversations he's had over the last few days. On Sunday morning he phoned Donna and told her what was going to happen and then he went to see Leo.

"You want a drink or anything?" Leo asks.

"No. I won't keep you long, I'm meeting Donna." Josh sits down and wonders, yet again, whether he's made the right decision. "I'll take my resignation back, but there has to be some new ground rules, for both of us."

"Go on," Leo says cautiously.

"I've told Donna that if she's worried about me, if she thinks I'm not coping she has to tell you. Donna always knows, usually before I do, and now so will you. Also if I feel ill, physically or not, then you'll be the first to know." Although Josh's words are those you'd say to a friend, his tone his still hostile and hurt. "But you have to promise that if you're worried you'll talk to me or Donna, you won't act unilaterally. And I want work back to how it was."

Leo had been quite willing to listen, but he bristles at the last remark. "You can't lay down terms for your employment. You can't ask for special treatment."

"I'm not asking for special treatment. Shit, Leo,.... Look I knew this was a bad idea. Forget it." Josh stands up and picks up his jacket and starts to leave before turning back to face Leo. "You know, there was a time I'd have done anything for... for this administration. After everything that's happened, even after..... I don't expect special treatment," he repeats. 

Leo watches Josh walk to the door and knows that this is his last chance. He's thought a lot about what Jed said, about him constantly putting work before people. He thought that ability was what made him good at his job. Now though, seeing the hurt in Josh's eyes makes him wonder. "Josh, wait." Josh opens the door and walks out. "Please wait," Leo calls and Josh hesitates. "I'm sorry, " Leo tells him. "I don't know what's wrong with me. But I'm sorry."

Josh walks back into the hotel suite and stands awkwardly in front of Leo. Suddenly years of pent up fear and anger are bubbling to the surface. "When I came back to work after the shooting, it was hard. I knew I had to prove myself again, especially after Christmas, but I thought I had. I know you've reduced my work load. There's still things that you'd have let me do before I was shot, that you do yourself now, but I thought that was either out of habit of having done them while I was recovering, or else you were still worried about my health. I didn't realize, until the thing with Phillips, that it was my ability you worried about, it was mental health, my sanity, you weren't sure of."

"I've never doubted your ability or your sanity. You lied to me, Josh."

"When?"

"You told me you were fine. You told me it was under control. But it isn't."

"By 'it' I guess were talking about PTSD and I didn't lie, it is under control. Yes I have nightmares, occasionally I have episodes. I don't have flashbacks, I don't think I'm still there. What do you think happens in an episode?"

"I don't know," Leo admits.

"Then you should have asked."

"And you'd have told me would you? Without getting defensive and denying that you have them?"

Josh shrugs.

"For God sake, Josh. I was worried about you. I know I handled it badly. Do you know how hard it is striking a balance between what's best for the administration and for the people I care about? When you told me you still have episode I tried to talk to you then, but you blanked me. Yes, I admit, when you blew up at Phillips, when I saw the footage of you yelling at him, I thought of you yelling at the President in the Oval Office. I admit I was wrong. If you're willing to throw away your career over this, because you're pissed at me, then you're an idiot."

"Yeh," Josh agrees as he sits down, suddenly feeling very tired. "This has just got so far out of hand that I don't know how to stop it anymore," he admits.

"Then stay and we'll work it out. I'm not saying we can immediately go back to how it was. Unless, do you really want to leave? Did you mean what you said about not caring anymore?"

"No," Josh shakes his head, "I didn't mean it." He looks at Leo. "Did you read the letter?"

"No."

"'Kay." Josh hangs his head.

"I seem to be making a habit of asking things too late. But what happens in an episode?"

Josh really doesn't want to talk about it but he knows, after what he just said, he has to. "According to Stanley, I've been having episodes of one sort or another since I was kid." He looks up at Leo. "Fills you with confidence in me doesn't it?"

Leo sits down across from Josh and waits for him to gather his thoughts.

Josh continues quietly. "Sometimes when I have a nightmare it can take a few minutes after I wake to realize that it was a dream, that I'm not still there. Although my nightmares don't tend to be about Rosslyn. You know after this conversation you're going to be opening that letter I gave you."

Leo shakes his head. "I knew about the nightmares of the fire, I've known about them since you were a kid. You lived in my house when you first came to Washington, you had them then. I found you sat in our kitchen on quite a few occasions you'll remember."

"Yeh," Josh agrees. "So it's Rosslyn you want to know about? I don't have flashbacks, it's not like it was that Christmas. I have occasional nightmares about it, and the episodes.... I have panic attacks. They're not frequent and I can usually control them. Sometimes I can feel myself getting agitated or anxious for no reason and I'll have trouble concentrating, that can go on for a few hours, not usually any longer. That's when Donna starts to fuss and makes me see Dr Hornby, or if she thinks it's going to be bad, like when the shots were fired into the press room, she calls Stanley."

"I wish you'd told me sooner."

"Yeh, 'cos look how you reacted when I did tell you."

"If I'd known I could have done something," Leo offers.

"It's not curable, Leo. I thought you knew that. That's why Treasury had a problem with it. It's controllable, I can live with it. But it's not going to go away. If you're not happy working with someone who's a little unstable, then accept my resignation." All the anger and hurt have left Josh's voice, he just sounds tired and dejected.

"You're not unstable. I wish you wouldn't talk like that," Leo tells him. "Okay, in future, if I'm worried about your health, and by the way, it's normally your physical health I worry about, then I'll ask."

"There's nothing wrong with me physically...." Josh starts to object.

"You see, this is why I don't ask, because you won't tell me anyway. I know you're recovered as fully as possible, but I also know you have left over effects of being shot, so don't try and kid me. I know you tire quicker, I know about your arm and leg, your back. But in future I will ask, no matter how pissed you get at me."

"Fair enough. What about work?"

"We're still in a lot of trouble, Josh. The only way out of it is to keep you in the shadows for a while, or to tell what really happened. I'm sorry, but you and President are both right, I have to think of the administration."

"I know that. I'm not angry because you shut me out, I'm angry at your reasons."

"So if we've got them sorted, we have got them sorted haven't we?" Leo asks, Josh nods not too convincingly, "then we don't have a problem. Do you want to tell the press what Phillips said to you?"

"They're hardly likely to believe me are they, not after two weeks. "

"I thought there was a intern present who heard everything."

"Yeh, she's working in McCain's office. I don't know that it's fair involving an 18 year old intern. Anyway, I don't want Donna knowing. I told her some, but not the part about her."

"It's up to you, but you should think seriously about it. At the moment the press are writing you as the bad guy. If she works for McCain then they can hardly accuse her of being biased to us can they?"

"I'll think about it. I've been the press's bad guy before, many times."

"Okay," Leo agrees. Although he wishes Josh would come clean to the press, plus he gets the feeling that there's more. "And work?" he asks.

"That was going to be my question. When you say 'in the shadows' what does that mean?"

"It means I can't have you taking high level meetings, you know very well what it means."

"Yeh, it means they win and we roll over for them and let them kick us, just to make sure we get the message that they won. I thought we'd stopped doing this crap years ago?" A thought occurs to Josh, "Is this what you want or the President?"

"The President's pissed at me for stopping you staffing for him. In fact I don't think he has a much higher opinion of me at the moment than you do."

"Okay," Josh sighs. "I'll see you at work tomorrow. I've got to go, I'm going to be late for lunch."

"I'll see you tomorrow." As Josh leaves, Leo can't help but wonder whether they've actually resolved anything.

_____________________________

Twenty minutes later Josh walks into a restaurant and sits down at a table. Five expectant faces stare questioningly at him. "Hey," he smiles. "You ordered?"

"Yeh," CJ tells him, "we ordered you chicken. What happened?"

"With fries?" he asks.

"Yes," Donna says. "What did Leo say?"

"We're fine."

"Really?"

"Maybe not fine," Josh admits. "But we're better than we were. He thinks I should tell the press what Phillips said."

"So do I," Charlie tells him.

"And me," Donna adds.

"What about you?" Josh asks Toby.

"I don't think his new friends will care very much. I think it'll stir it all up again. They could say you were making it up."

"But?"

"I still think you should say something. You could talk to Danny," Toby tells him.

"Yeh," CJ agrees, "I can arrange that."

"I'll think about it," Josh says as their food arrives. 

Once they've eaten CJ and Josh go to the bar and CJ takes the opportunity to talk to Josh "I spoke to Lucy Gutheridge, the intern from McCain's office. She let slip something about Donna."

"And I don't want Donna knowing, which is why I don't want to talk to Danny." 

"You think he should get away with saying things like that?"

"No, of course I don't, but I don't want Donna getting dragged into this and she will, maybe not by Danny, but she still will."

_____________________________

Jed watches Leo and shakes his head, "Do you ever take a day off? It's Sunday afternoon."

"I've got a lot of work on, Sir."

"Well what you need is a deputy you can trust to take some of the load."

Leo smiles slightly, "I've got one, but he's out having lunch with his friends."

"You've still got one then?"

"Yeh, I've spoken to him. We're fine."

Jed looks questioning. "We, the administration or we, you and Josh?"

Leo sighs, "The administration," he admits.

"You're still angry with him?"

"I understand why he said what he said, but he shouldn't have said it in public, in front of reporters."

"I think he knows that, Leo. He was baited then?"

"Yes." Leo replies. "Phillips called him, well I think you can imagine what he called him. I think bringing Donna into the conversation may have been what really set Josh off. Why the hell didn't I ask him sooner what had happened? This whole damn mess could have been avoided."

"He's staying Leo, that's a start."

Continued.......


	4. Waiting

TITLE: Relapse, Chapter 3 - Waiting  
AUTHOR: Jacinta  
SUMMARY: A plane crash starts to put things into perspective.  
SPOILERS: Anything up to Constituency Of One (but set in an a/u)  
CHARACTERS: Ensemble  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: I've checked and it appears they're still not mine. It'll soon be Christmas though so who knows..... 

* * *

WEDNESDAY, LEO'S OFFICE

"Charlie?" Josh asks. 

Leo glances absently at his deputy. "You need an assistant. Toby can't spare Bonny, Ginger's on holiday and Donna's not back until tomorrow."

"What about the President?"

"He says it's fine. Charlie'll be back on Friday. What's the problem?"

"None. If Charlie's happy to play nursemaid......"

"Josh," Leo sighs. "You really think Charlie...." he shakes his head, "never mind. What time are you leaving?"

"The flight's at 9.30."

"I'll see you before you go. Don't forget you're taking Ryan with you."

"Ryan?" Josh sighs, he had been hoping to escape from his intern for a few days.

"Yes. It'll do him good. He's suppose to be experiencing all aspects of the job."

"Yeh," Josh reluctantly agrees. 

After Josh has left the office Leo sits in silence for a moment. It's been a week since Josh agreed to stay, but things between them aren't much better. Josh is reading too much into everything, in Leo's opinion anyway.

______________________________________

FRIDAY

Josh hangs up the phone and walks back the others. "Leo says it's fine, as long as we're not paying anything." He looks questioningly at Ryan.

"He's flying back to National anyway so it's no bother for us to get a lift," Ryan insists.

"How big's the plane?" Will asks, trying not to sound too worried.

"It's a mid size business jet," Ryan tells him as they set off across the airport. "Don't look so nervous. It's a twin engine jet, with a separate cabin that seats eight, a galley, a restroom, DVD players. It's pretty cool," he smiles.

"It's a different world," Charlie mutters. "Hey," he nudges Josh and nods across the concourse, "look who else is stranded." 

Josh grins mischievously and leads them through the throng of angry, delayed passengers. "Hey."

Danny turns round and gives a mock sigh, "Well if I'd known you were here I'd have tried walking home. How long you been delayed?"

"Four hours, you?"

"Boarded the plane and had to get off again. Which I don't understand 'cos our baggage was already onboard. So, does this strike have anything to do with you lot then?" he grins.

"More than likely," Josh agrees. "We got a flight out, you want a lift?"

"How?" Danny asks suspiciously.

"Private jet," Ryan supplies.

Danny raises an eyebrow and smiles, "Isn't that a misappropriation of government funds?"

"You want a lift or not?" Josh grins.

"Yeh," Danny nods, collecting his hand luggage and following them across the concourse. "So who's plane is it? Am I going to be part of government conspiracy?"

"It's a friend of Ryan's father's," Charlie supplies, with a grin.

"Wow, it really is who you know rather than what you know."

______________________________________

"I enjoyed that, I could be an assistant," Charlie announces, as he returns from the galley area with a tray of drinks.

"It'd be a salary cut," Josh points out.

"If they cut my salary by much, I'll be paying them," Charlie smiles. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asks Will.

"Yeh." Will's sitting across from Josh and Charlie, gripping the armrest and trying to look calm.

"Really?" Josh asks doubtfully.

"I don't like small aircraft."

"Well, I guess if you get scared on Air Force One," Charlie smiles.

"You get scared on Air Force One?" Danny asks from behind them.

"The landing gear was stuck. Anyway I'm not scared, I'm just cautious."

"Cautious? You hold onto that arm rest much harder they're gonna make us pay for it," Charlie grins, before turning his attention back to Josh. "So you think I should stay were I am then? 'Cos it seemed like a solution. I mean if Donna and I swapped jobs then you'd have no excuse not to ask her out."

"Apart from the fact that she'd more than likely laugh at me?" Josh asks.

"If you'd have quit last week, she'd have gone with you."

"Only 'cos she likes the idea of living in California."

"Yeh, that could be right," Charlie agrees. "Deana loves it out there."

"You miss her?" Josh asks, as a strange knock echoes through the plane. 

"What was that?" Will asks.

Josh shrugs, "Turbulence?"

______________________________________

"What do you mean, 'missing'?" Jed asks.

"It disappeared off radar about thirty minutes ago, Sir, after a mayday from the pilot. Search and Rescue have been deployed to the area, but it's mountainous terrain and heavily forested, so it may take some time to locate and reach them." 

"Thank you, Peter, keep me informed."

"Yes, Sir."

Jed watches Peter leave and then walks into the adjoining office. "Leo, have you got a moment?"

"Mr President." Leo goes to stand but Jed waives him back down. 

"Peter Marsh has just been to see me. It appears that the plane carrying Charlie, Josh and Will has gone missing somewhere over Shenandoah "

"Missing?" Leo pales. "How long ago?"

"About thirty minutes. There was a mayday, S & R have an idea where to look, so......" Jed trails off.

"Yeh. I should tell the others." 

"They'll be alright. S & R's already out looking for them."

Leo nods. Once Jed's left he phones Toby and asks him to bring CJ and Donna with him. When they arrive at Leo's office they only have to take one look at his face to know something's very wrong. "Sit down all of you."

"What's going on?" CJ asks.

"There's a plane gone missing over Shenandoah," Leo looks at the three faces before him. "Josh, Will and Charlie are on board."

CJ's the first to speak. "When?"

"Half an hour. S & R are out looking."

______________________________________

"This is why I hate flying," Will tells Josh. "You think it's broken?"

"I don't think so, but then I failed the only first aid course I ever took."

"Then get away from me," Charlie mutters with an attempt at a smile. 

"The pilot's broken his arm," Danny tells them. "He's given me our location to tell the emergency services. Let me take at look at Charlie."

Josh stands and lets Danny check Charlie over. "How are you now?" he asks Ryan.

Ryan pulls the cloth away from his head. "The bleeding's stopped, I'll be fine."

"What about you?" Josh asks Danny.

"Well, it's the last time I hitch a ride with you," Danny smiles. "The pilot's given me his cell phone, but there's no signal," he says, as he checks out Charlie's shoulder.

"We need to be higher up," Will tells them. "I could walk up the hill a little."

"I'll come with you," Josh says, causing Charlie and Danny to laugh. "What? I keep telling you I'm an outdoorsman."

"We got lost in the National Arboretum," Charlie reminds him.

"But Will must have learnt some kind of outdoor skills in his time in the Air Force," Josh replies.

"I'm a JAG reservist," Will points out. "Come on."

Josh takes the cell phone and map location from Danny and they set off.

______________________________________

"I'm briefing the press in two minutes. Someone needs to call Sam," CJ tells Toby.

Toby reluctantly picks up the phone and dials the number, it's answered on the third ring. "Hey, Sam."

"Hey, Toby," Sam replies. "How are the twins?"

Toby smiles slightly at the mention of his babies, "The twins are fine." He sighs as he catches CJ's look. "Sam, there's a plane gone missing, a business jet." He knows he can't stall any longer. "Charlie, Will and Josh are on it." 

"Oh God."

"It's not been missing long, it disappeared off radar forty minutes ago. The pilot sent a mayday that he was making an emergency landing."

"Where?" Sam asks, praying that Toby's going to say an abandoned airstrip or a road or at least the desert, but knowing deep down that he's not going to say that at all.

"Shenandoah."

"Oh God," Sam repeats. "Well someone's looking for them though right? I mean if the pilot sent a mayday...."

"S & R are out looking now. I'll call you as soon as we hear anything."

"I should be there."

"By the time you got here, they'd have been found. I'll call you as soon as we hear anything."

"Yeh, Ok. I'll speak to you soon. Toby, is everyone alright there?"

"As you'd expect."

______________________________________

Leo's suppose to be reading a memo. He's suppose to be thinking about at least ten things at the moment. But all he can think about is Josh, Charlie, Will and Ryan. Why is it that every time things seem to be going right something else happens to bring them crashing back down. Surely this isn't how it's suppose to be.

"Leo, Howard Pierce on line three," Margaret interrupts his thoughts.

"Yeh," Leo nods. He picks up the phone and presses three. "Howard."

"Leo, it's been almost two hours, what the hell's happening?"

"I don't know anymore than you do."

"Well find out. My son's missing out there for God's sake. I sent him to you, you were suppose to be taking care of him."

"He's not six, Howard, and I'm not his nanny," Leo snaps. He takes a deep breath before continuing, "Look, I'm sorry. I know you're worried, we're all worried. As soon as I know anything I'll call you."

"Fine," Howard hangs up the phone and Leo sighs.

"Are you alright?" Margaret asks from the doorway.

"Will you not hover like that," Leo snaps. "I'm fine."

"Okay, if you need me...."

"Yeh," Leo replies. "Margaret," he calls after his assistant's retreating back, "thanks."

Once Margaret's left Leo tries to focus back on work, but it's hopeless. Since Jed told him about the crash he hasn't been able to stop thinking about how he left things with Josh, and now Howard Pierce's words are echoing in his ears. He realizes it's twenty five years since he told Noah he'd keep an eye on Josh, make sure he was okay, but he still feels that responsibility. How did they go from being so close to having such distance between them in the space of a couple of months?

He's always liked Josh, even when he was a child. In the last six years, as he got to know Josh better, he's come to trust him above almost everyone else. Of course he knew before he employed him that he could count on Josh, that was one of the reasons he hired him, he knew were Josh's loyalty would lie. 

So how did their relationship deteriorate so quickly? He understood what Josh meant when he shouted those words at him, when he told him that there was a time he would have done anything for the administration, 'administration' wasn't the word Josh had intended. 

"Leo," Margaret appears in the doorway again. "Senator Bruce is here."

"Show him in," Leo tells her, trying to ignore the concerned look she'd giving him.

______________________________________

Josh stops and looks up the slope they're climbing. "How high do we have to go?" he asks.

"Tired?" Will smiles.

"I'm fine, I just thought you looked a little winded there that's all."

"Hey! I'm as fit as the next man." Will looks up at the sky, "I think it's gonna rain."

"Yeh," Josh agrees as the first spots of rain begin to fall. "I think you could be right there."

"Do we have any idea how to get back to the plane?" Will asks.

"I thought you were keeping track?"

"What with? I haven't got a map or a compass."

Josh grins, "You see if we'd been in my car we'd be fine."

"Okay," Will says a little indulgently. "Apart from the fact that I don't think your car's ever likely to need to make an emergency landing in Shenandoah. Why?"

"I have a box in the trunk for emergencies."

"Me too," Will tells him. "Flashlight, blanket, rope, waterproofs. My dad's idea. Once a soldier always a soldier," he smiles. "You?"

"My mom," Josh replies, as he grabs hold of a tree branch to stop himself slipping, again. "She sends me things to add to it at regular intervals. I swear if I put everything in there it'd be bigger than the car."

"Bet she's never sent you a thermal all weather blanket with a hood."

"No," Josh agrees, "she obviously hasn't seen any of those yet." He stops to catch his breath and glares at the cell phone. "You think maybe this phone's broke, 'cos we've been climbing for thirty minutes now and there's still no signal?"

"Well, it's been in a plane crash, so there's a good chance." Will agrees. "What should we do?"

Josh shrugs, "Keep trying I guess."

Ten minutes later, they're both tired, wet and covered in mud and there's still no signal. "I suppose if we walk for long enough we'll reach civilization," Josh comments.

"God I hope so, otherwise we're going to have to walk back. Bet you wish you'd quit now."

"What and miss this adventure," Josh smiles. "It's like being a frontiersman in the 18th century."

"Only in suits, with a cell phone," Will adds.

"Yeh. And there's probably less likelihood of us getting ambushed by natives who are a little angry that we're stealing their land."

"Maybe. But knowing our luck we'll stumble across a survivalist camp."

"At least it'd be dry," Josh complains. "Hang on, I've got a signal."

"Thank God for that," Will sighs and sits down on a convenient rock.

Josh grins and dials 911. He gives the operator their location and details and hangs up.

"Call work," Will tells him.

Josh nods and dials.

______________________________________

Donna looks at her ringing cell phone but she doesn't recognize the number. "Answer it," CJ tells her.

"Donna Moss."

"Hey," says a familiar voice on the other end of the line.

"Josh," Donna sighs with relief and CJ grins. "Where are you? Are you alright? What about everyone else?"

Josh laughs, "I have no idea. I'm fine. Will's here, he's fine too. Charlie's hurt his shoulder. Ryan and Danny are okay and the pilot's broken his arm. How are you?"

"Better now. You have called for help haven't you?"

"Yes. The pilot gave us the co-ordinates, we'll be home before you know it. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeh, we were all worried, but it'll be okay now."

Josh catches Will's sigh and grins. "We're going to go now and get back to the plane before the weather sets in anymore. Will's looking a little chilly."

"Why aren't you with the plane?"

"We crashed in a ravine, Will and I hiked out."

"_You_ hiked! Well thank God Will's with you," Donna smiles. "Hang on, Danny?" she asks, glancing at CJ. "Danny Concannon?"

"Yeh, he was stranded at the airport, we gave him a lift."

"He must be really grateful for that," Donna smiles.

"We are. He's the only one of us who knows first aid. I've got to go. I'll see you soon and try not to worry."

"I'll see you soon."

Josh hangs up the phone and catches Will's smile. "What?" he asks.

"If you don't tell her how you feel I'm going beat the crap out of you."

Josh follows Will down the slope. "You think you could do that do you?"

"I could get Toby to do it," Will smiles.

______________________________________

"Danny?" CJ asks.

"Hitched a ride with them. Josh says he's fine. They're all fine, apart from the pilot who's broken his arm."

"Okay," CJ nods. "How did he sound?" she asks as her and Donna rush to Leo's office.

"Same as always," Donna smiles. 

Leo looks up as the two women enter his office. "What?" he asks.

"Josh has just phoned me," Donna tells him. "They're all fine.

Leo smiles with relief. "Thank God. Where are they?"

"He didn't know, but they have a map reference and he's called the emergency services. They crashed in a ravine, him and Will hiked out to get a signal on the cell phone. Charlie's hurt his shoulder, but other than that they're all fine." Donna's well aware that she's babbling, but she's just so relieved.

Leo smiles at her, he knows just how she's feeling. "I'll tell the President. Toby should he back from the Hill soon. CJ, hold off telling the press anything until we have more information."

"Danny Concannon's onboard as well," Donna adds.

"Danny? Is he okay?" Leo looks questioningly at CJ.

"He's fine apparently," CJ replies.

"Okay." Leo knocks on the door and walks into the Oval Office. "I'm sorry to disturb you, Sir. Do you have a minute?"

Jed excuses himself from the three men he's sat with and follows Leo across the room. "Well?"

"Josh has just phoned Donna. They're all fine. They crashed in a ravine, him and Will hiked out and called the emergency services from a cell phone."

"Thank God for that. So they should be home soon."

"By nightfall hopefully. Also, Danny Concannon's with them."

"Was he just hiking in the area?" Jed asks.

"Hitched a ride with them," Leo amends.

Jed smiles. "So we have a senior White House staffer, a senior member of the VP's staff, my bodyman, an intern who's the great great grandson of a former president and a Washington Post reporter stranded out there somewhere?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

______________________________________

FRIDAY, 5.30PM WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING ROOM

".....the plane's location is now known and search and rescue are on their way. As far as we know, everyone's fine. Mark?"

"If S & R aren't with them, how did they located them?"

CJ smiles. "Josh Lyman and Will Bailey hiked out of the ravine until they could get a signal on a cell phone and called from that." When the assembled reporters laugh, CJ grins, "Yes, it amazed us as well. We're just glad Will was with him. Katie?"

"Can you tell us how White House employees came to be using a private jet?"

"The plane belongs to a friend of the Pierce family. Ryan Pierce is currently interning in Josh Lyman's office."

"Is he onboard?"

"Yes he is." CJ pauses and glances at Carol, who nods to affirm that Danny's relatives have been informed. "As is Danny Concannon."

"Is he alright?" Mark asks.

"He's fine. Steve?"

"Why was Danny onboard?"

"He hitched a lift with them."

"I bet he's pleased about that," Steve comments.

______________________________________

5.30am SHENANDOAH

"Josh," Danny prompts. "Stay awake."

"If I sleep it'll be over quicker," Josh mutters.

"Josh." Danny shakes Josh awake again. It's starting to come light and Danny's praying that S & R get here soon, because Josh is freezing cold, and he's stopped shivering. "You're suppose to be in charge of this lot," he says. "Wake up and set a good example."

"Ryan's asleep," Josh replies.

"He's an intern."

"He went to Harvard," Josh says.

"Yeh?"

"Long time after us. Played on the squash team."

"Was he good?" Danny asks, willing to follow Josh's slightly odd train of thought, if it'll keep him awake.

"Probably."

Ryan stirs ,"I was," he agrees. 

"He was frat boy," Josh continues as he closes his eyes again.

Danny nudges him awake again. "Not a Crimson then?"

"Nah." Josh looks over at Ryan and tries to remember what he was going to say, but his mind just wants to sleep.

"Were you a Crimson?" Ryan asks Danny.

"Danny the editor," Josh tells him.

"Yeh," Danny agrees. "I was his boss. He was.... actually I'm not sure what Josh was suppose to do."

"Not much has changed then," Charlie comments. 

"Josh, wake up," Danny orders, shaking his friend. "There's no way I'm telling CJ that I let you drift into unconsciousness, she'd kill me."

"Donna would," Josh comments.

"Yeh her too," Danny agrees.

"She'd have come to California," Josh informs them all.

Danny looks blankly at Charlie and Will, who both shrug, a movement that causes Charlie to flinch with pain. "You okay?" Danny asks him.

"Yeh," Charlie whispers.

"Phillips'll be pleased," Josh continues.

"Why?" Danny asks. The whole Phillips story had intrigued him. He was sure there was more to it than anyone would say. Danny's known Josh for 20 years, since they worked on the Harvard newspaper together, and he knows Josh is quite capable of shooting his mouth off, but this time it just didn't seem quite right. He watched the TV footage and he was sure there was more.

"Me and Charlie in a plane crash," Josh replies.

"Yeh," Danny agrees. "He's never liked you."

"Or Donna."

"He doesn't like Donna?"

"Not with me."

Danny thinks about that. "What happened?"

"Hey," Ryan protests. "You fishing for a story?"

"I'm trying to keep him awake."

"Then talk about baseball," Ryan suggests.

Danny shrugs, "Seen any games recently then, Josh?" he asks.

"She got a letter," Josh continues, "warning her." Josh closes his eyes and this time Danny can't wake him.

______________________________________

7.30am WHITE HOUSE

Donna looks up as Leo enters the office. "Any news?" she asks, as she places her hand over the receiver.

"They found them ten minutes ago. They're fine. Cold, but fine. Toby and I are going to down to the hospital to meet them."

Donna smiles and nods. "I just..." she points at the phone and Leo frowns. "Josh's mom," she tells him.

"Tell her he's fine. I'll get him to call her later."

Leo's just leaving the office when a thought occurs to him. "Donna," he interrupts her again. "You want to come with us?"

This time Donna beams. "Yes, please, I'd like that."

"We're leaving in about half an hour."

______________________________________

Leo wasn't completely honest with Donna, which was one of the reasons he asked her to come with them to the hospital. Josh and Will both have hypothermia and Charlie has a cracked shoulder blade, Ryan and Danny have escaped unhurt. Will's awake and talking, although he's very cold and a little disoriented. Josh is drifting in and out of consciousness when Leo, Donna and Toby reached the hospital.

"You can go in and sit with him for a while if you like," the doctor tells them. "Just two of you. I'm afraid he's not very coherent at the moment."

"You two go in," Toby says, "I'll check on the others.

When Donna and Leo enter the room, they're relieved to find it looks nothing like the last time Josh was in hospital. True he's on a heart monitor, but there are no drips and no tubes. They sit either side of the bed and wait for Josh to wake up. After about five minutes he opens his eyes and looks at Donna and then Leo.

"Others?"

"Everyone else is fine," Leo tells him. He tries not to feel too hurt when Josh turns to Donna for confirmation.

Donna nods and smiles. "How you feeling?" Josh closes his eyes again though and doesn't answer, so Donna carries on talking. "I told your mom I'd let her know how you are when I got here. Her and Sam both want to come up, but the baggage handler's strike has grounded everything."

Josh opens his eyes again and watches Leo, looking like he's trying to remember something. He gives up and closes his eyes again. "Cold," he mutters.

"You'll be warmer soon," Leo promises.

"Can't remember," Josh replies, looking from Donna to Leo, as a nurse enters and beckons for them to leave now. 

"We're going to go now and let you get some rest," Donna tells him, but he's already closed his eyes. 

They leave the room and walk down the corridor, through the smell of anesthetic and antiseptic, the smell that brings back memories of another hospital. "I'm going to speak to the doctor," Leo tells Donna.

"I'm coming with you."

They find Doctor Mellor leaving another patient. "We want to talk to you about Josh Lyman's condition," Leo begins.

"I can only discuss patients with their next of kin I'm afraid."

"Well his mother's in Florida, so that's not really possible," Donna tells him. "We just want to know how he is. He seems out of it, like he doesn't really know where he is."

"Hypothermia can cause the patient to become very confused."

"But Will's fine," Donna persists.

"Each patient is different." Doctor Mellor sighs, he can see that these two are very worried and while he really can't discuss specifics he can generalize. "Mr Bailey's hypothermia isn't as severe as Mr Lyman's. Mr Lyman's medical history makes him far more susceptible to illness, but he should make a good recovery once is body temperature returns to normal."

"Why's he on a heart monitor?" Leo asks.

"Hypothermia can cause heart problems, we want to monitor him for 24 hours to make sure there are no complications."

"Like?"

"An irregular heart beat."

"Has there been?" Leo asks

"I can't discuss that."

"You mean there has?" Donna demands.

"If there had been, is it treatable," Leo asks.

"Yes. If there has been then we can treat it with drugs or, if necessary, with shock treatment. Look I know you're worried, but there's nothing I can tell you for a few hours. Go and get some rest, something to eat and come back then. We've got your cell phone number, if there are any changes in Mr Lyman's condition we'll let you know."

______________________________________

It's four hours before Josh is finally fully conscious.

"Hey," he smiles drowsily at Donna.

"Hey," Donna tries not to sound too concerned. "How are you?"

Josh smiles, "Tired."

"The doctor says...."

"Yeh, I know. He wants me to stay here, but I'd rather go home."

"You've got hypothermia, he thinks you should stay."

"If there are any complications, I seem to remember we've got a good hospital not far from my apartment."

Donna sighs and squeezes Josh's hand. "Leo's outside."

Josh nods. "I'll see you soon." he says as Donna lets Leo into the room.

"How you feeling?" Leo asks.

"Sore, cold, tired."

"Sore? I didn't think you were hurt?"

"I think the hike may have been a bit adventurous."

"You should stay here until tomorrow at least. You had a night out in the cold. You've got hypothermia. Do as the doctor says."

"I'd rather come back with everyone else."

"Donna can stay." Leo studies Josh, this is the first time in weeks he's been able to read him and he's not sure he likes what he sees. "You'll be alright you know."

"The doctor's worried about my heart, he says the rhythm's irregular. They've given me some drugs to control it."

"That's why you should stay and let them monitor you."

"You worried about me then?"

"Of course I'm worried about you," Leo snaps. "I've spent the last 18 hours scared half to death worrying about you, again. I should have let you quit."

"Nah. I wouldn't miss the fun of working at the White House. Although I do think we should get danger money," Josh smiles. Then he looks serious. "I hate hospitals."

"I know."

"When the doctor asked if I'd had heart surgery, which is a pretty dumb question by the way, I mean why the hell else would I have the scar? Anyway, when I told him what the procedure was, he looked a little concerned. They want me to stay on a heart monitor for 24 hours."

"Then for once do as you're told. I can always get Abbey down here to control you, you know."

Josh tries a smile, but it doesn't happen. "I'm scared, Leo."

Leo places his hand on Josh's head, like a father with a feverish infant. "You'll be fine. They'll monitor you. They can give you drugs to regulate your heart. You're in the best place."

"I know. And Donna can stay if she wants?"

"You think she might not want to?" Leo asks.

"She might get a little bored here on her own."

"Then I'd better stay with her. That's if you don't mind me hanging around?"

"I'd like that. Don't go worrying my mom will you."

"She knows you're in the hospital. But I won't tell her anything until we know for sure."

"Thanks.

"You want to see Toby?"

Josh nods.

______________________________________

Three hours later Toby's left the hospital with Will, Danny, Charlie and Ryan, and Donna and Leo have gone for something to eat. "What did Abbey say?" Donna asks.

"Abbey?"

"I know you asked the president to talk to her. What did she say?"

Leo hesitates before telling Donna. "She says that hypothermia can cause heart problems. But it's three years since Josh's operation and he'd had no problems with his health before or since. The hypothermia isn't that severe. She doesn't think they'll be any complications."

Donna studies Leo. He looks tired and worried, but not scared. "Good," she smiles.

Leo's been curious about something since last week, something he'd overheard CJ and Toby discussing. "If he'd have quit, would you have gone with him?"

"Yeh I would have. I know that doesn't make me sound very loyal to the White House." Donna looks at Leo to see whether he's annoyed about that.

"It makes you seem very loyal to Josh."

"Margaret would do the same for you," Donna points out.

Leo smiles and nods in agreement. "We've worked together a long time, fifteen years next month," he tells Donna, thinking that he should probably buy Margaret a gift of some sort for that landmark anniversary.

"I don't know whether I'd put up with Josh for that long," Donna jokes.

Leo grins, "You were the first assistant to put up with him for more than a week."

"You just have to know how to handle him and how to recognize his moods."

"I don't suppose I made life too easy for you the last few weeks?"

"No," Donna admits. "He was upset, Leo. No one asked him what had happened. Everyone, apart from Sam and Charlie, believed the press and Phillips. I spoke to Lucy Gutheridge, the intern, she told me what Phillips said about me and Josh. Why won't he tell the press?"

"Because he didn't want you to know what Phillips said about you and him, and he didn't want you dragging into it."

"What he said was disgusting. How dare he say something like that about Josh, how dare he call Josh.... CJ had to stop me going to tell him what I thought of him." Donna stops, fearing she's said too much.

"Don't look so worried. I agree with you. People like Phillips, they should be brought down. But it's not up to us, it's up to Josh."

"Then I think we should persuade him."

Continued.....


	5. Decisions

TITLE: Relapse, Chapter 4 - Decisions  
AUTHOR: Jacinta and Willow  
SUMMARY: Josh agrees to talk to Danny  
SPOILERS: Anything up to Disaster Relief  
CHARACTERS: Most of them  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: They're no more mine now than they were last time you looked.  
NOTE: Amended to correct my (at times very bad) Americanisms (is that a word?). Thanks to Starr Light1 for your comments. 

* * *

TUESDAY, GW HOSPITAL, WASHINGTON

Josh sighs as he stares at the ceiling. He remembers thinking, the last time he was here, that they should have some kind mural on hospital ceilings, after all there's only so many times you can count the cracks. At least he's got a different room this time, and he's allowed to get up and watch TV. But he's still bored and he wants to go home. The doctor at St Mary's, the hospital they'd been taken to from the crash site, had wanted him to stay there for a couple more nights, but Abbey had pulled some strings, at Leo's urging surprisingly enough - surprising, that is, that Abbey would do anything for Leo at the moment - and had him transferred to GW on Sunday. But he's still bored. He's just contemplating watching more daytime TV when two Secret Service agents enter his room.

"What's going on?" he asks, though he knows he's unlikely to get an answer.

"All clear," one of the agents says into his wrist.

"What's........?" Josh starts to repeat, when Abbey enters the room. "Dr Bartlet."

"Joshua," Abbey smiles. "You can leave us," she tells the agents. "Seriously, I don't think Josh is a treat to my safety." Once the agents have left, Abbey sits in the chair at the side of Josh's bed. "How you feeling?"

"Bored," Josh smiles.

"I was thinking more health wise?"

"I'm fine. I could go home you know."

"No you couldn't. You have an irregular heartbeat and until it settles you're going nowhere. You were transferred here because Leo said you were in danger of discharging yourself and we needed you somewhere we could keep an eye on you."

"Yeh, thanks for that."

"If you hadn't been shot at Rosslyn, while working for Jed, you wouldn't need to be in hospital. Plus, you talked Zoey into talking counseling."

"That was mainly Charlie," Josh protests.

Abbey smiles. "I've looked at your charts, you don't mind?"

"No. What do they say?"

"If you carry on improving like you have for the last two days, you should be able to go home tomorrow. But no work. Although from what I've been hearing you won't mind that too much."

"It's settles down now," Josh protests.

"You could go and visit your mother, remind her who you are," Abbey smiles.

"I saw her a few months ago."

"How many months?"

"About ten," Josh admits. He's curious as to why the First Lady has come to see him, he very much doubts it's to talk about his mother.

"I want to make sure you understand how serious this could have been. It's a good job Danny Concannon was there. Charlie says he kept you awake for most of the night, may have saved your life. Certainly saved you from a longer stay in hospital."

"He's scared of CJ and Donna," Josh smiles.

"I just wanted to make sure you knew."

"Has someone said something?" he asks.

"Amy may have mentioned something about you and Congressman Phillips."

"Amy?"

"She phoned me," Abbey smiles.

* * *

Josh is still thinking about Abbey's visit, and wondering what had prompted Amy to talk to her, when the door opens with what he assumes is lunch. 

"Hey," Danny smiles.

"Damn," Josh moans, "I thought you were food."

"I have food," Danny grins, producing a bag of sandwiches.

"Excellent," Josh smiles. "What do you want?"

"Suspicious."

"Well yeh. I'm a politician, you're a journalist." 

"Good point. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"I can go home tomorrow, hopefully. Otherwise, swear to God, I'm digging a tunnel." Josh takes one of the sandwiches, chicken salad with mayonnaise, and starts to eat, while keeping a wary eye on Danny.

"CJ mustn't know I'm here by the way," Danny tells him. "She's banned me from seeing you until you're better."

"So you've dared the wrath of CJ to bring me lunch?"

"Not exactly. I wanted to ask you about what you said on the plane. Lunch was kind of a bribe."

"You didn't need to bribe your way in. According to Abbey, your constant talking, which I have to say was getting on my nerves," Josh grins, "may have saved my life."

"I thinks she's exaggerating. But I'll go with that," Danny smiles. "You want to tell me? I'm not asking 'cos I _ need_ the story, but I got the impression it was a story that should be told."

"Yeh, maybe it is. But it's a month too late now isn't it? It's old news, who's going to care?"

"Me, you and plenty of other people. Look, no notebook, no tape recorder, I'm curious is all. If you want me to write it I will, if not....."

"You want your sandwich back," Josh finishes with a smile.

"Yeh," Danny agrees.

Josh knows that everyone's right, he should say something because Phillips is a congressman, a five term congressman, and the people in his district should know who they're electing. Plus, Josh would be quite glad to cause him some embarrassment. 

"You can take notes if you want. It started the week before when Donna got a letter....."

Danny sits in silence while Josh tells him the story, he makes notes and he quietly seethes. When Josh has finished Danny closes his notebook and looks him. "Why the hell have you waited so long to tell that story? You spent weeks being beaten by the press, and by Leo, why didn't you say anything?"

Josh shrugs. He isn't entirely sure why he said nothing. Part of it was anger that Leo and Toby and CJ didn't bother to ask, that Leo just assumed he blown up for no reason, but it was also because of Donna. "I didn't want Donna dragging into it. I didn't want her to know what he'd said about her."

"And now?"

"She went with Toby when he spoke to the intern, she told them most of it. She prised the rest out of me."

"I'm going to post it on the internet, if that's okay?"

"Can you wait 'til tomorrow, I want to speak to my mom first."

"Sure, I'll need to see whether Lucy Gutheridge will speak to me first anyway. You know if she does she's gonna loose her job."

"Yeh," Josh nods. "I'll see if Will can sort something for her in the VP's office."

Danny stands up as a nurse enters. "He deserved what you said to him. He's lucky you didn't hit him," he tells Josh. "I'll let you see a copy before I post it."

* * *

WEDNESDAY, PRESS BRIEFING ROOM

"Adam?"

"There's a story on the internet regarding Congressman Phillips and Josh Lyman, can you comment?"

CJ looks towards the back of the room where Danny's stood quietly smiling, Adam works for the Post and Danny had primed him to ask that question. "There are always a lot of stories about Josh, Adam, could you be more specific?"

"It quoted some of the things that Congressman Phillips said to Josh before their argument last month, it contains quotes from Josh and from an intern who was present at the meeting. I don't think I can really read out most of what the congressman said, but it seems to indicate that Josh's attack on him wasn't unprovoked." 

"Yes, I know the article. I can only say that you're right, Josh was indeed provoked. The White House has been in contact with the congressman's office, on Josh Lyman's behalf, demanding an apology from him. We haven't as yet had a response. Josh is currently at home on sick leave following the plane crash last week. Katie?"

"Why's it taken Josh so long to come forward?"

"I think if you've read the congressman's comments, together with things that happened earlier in the week and the background, then that's self explanatory. Mark?"

"How is Josh?"

In Georgetown Josh turns the volume down and smiles at Donna. "I should call my mom."

"What did she say when you told her?"

"She was spitting fire," Josh admits. "I think I calmed her down."

* * *

THURSDAY

It took 24 hours for Congressman Phillips to publicly apologize for his remarks, along with the Republican leadership. Like Toby predicted though , Phillips new friends didn't seem too bothered by the scandal and Josh has worked in Washington for long enough to know that it won't effect the party at all, especially since Phillips was actually a Democrat at the time. It will effect Phillips career though, any thoughts he had of high office have been thrown far out of the window. 

Josh meanwhile is sat at home thinking about his job. Although he'd told Leo he'd stay, he still isn't completely sure he wants to. The week at work, after he agreed to stay, was difficult. He found himself questioning everything Leo told him to do, examining Leo's motives, until he was starting to feel a little paranoid.

Things between him and Leo have got better over the last few days, but it still doesn't feel right to Josh and he isn't convinced Leo trusts him again, no matter what he says. In fact he suspects that Leo will be keeping a closer eye on him now, just in case the plane crash causes an episode or two.

He's only been home a day though and he's bored already, so maybe quitting his job wouldn't be such a good idea after all. At least this sick leave isn't like last time. He's allowed outside and he's allowed visitors. He's also managed to convince his mother to stay home, promising to visit her before he goes back to work, wherever that may be. 

He's just contemplating whether to make some food when Donna lets herself in. "Hey," she smiles. "I brought dinner."

"Just like old times," Josh comments.

"Well I was going to suggest you take me out, but we have an appointment in an hour."

"We do?" Josh asks, as he fetches plates and cutlery from the kitchen.

"The President wants to see you in the Residence at 9."

"The President's never in the Residence at 9."

"He will be tonight. Leo's instructions were to make sure you're there. So eat up."

"Why does he want to see me?"

"How would I know. Eat your cannelloni."

* * *

At 9pm Josh is sat in the Residence waiting for the President. He hadn't been allowed into the West Wing not even to his office, which has annoyed him slightly, but apparently those were Leo's orders.

"Josh."

"Mr President."

Jed sits down and waves Josh back down. As he looks Josh over he thinks he looks tired and drawn, and he suspects it's not just from the plane crash and hypothermia. "Abbey tells me that two weeks is the minimum you should be off work."

"I feel fine, Sir," Josh protests.

"You don't look fine, Josh. And I know what you're thinking. If I'm worried about your health, why have I dragged you across Washington on a damp evening."

"That thought never occurred to me," Josh smiles.

"Leo won't let you into the West Wing?"

"No."

"That annoys you? It shouldn't. He knows if you get anywhere near your office you'll sit down and start working. He's worried about you, we're all worried about you."

"I wasn't the only one in the crash, Sir. Charlie's the one who was hurt. Will had hypothermia as well as me."

"Yes," Jed sighs. "Charlie has a fractured shoulder blade, other than that he's fine. He's back at work because he's too stubborn to stay at home, but there's nothing life threatening about his injury. As for Will, I know I don't have to spell out the difference between hypothermia for you and for him."

"No," Josh grudgingly agrees.

"So you're going to take at least two weeks off?"

"I don't have much choice do I?" Josh asks with a slight smile.

"No. Go and see your mother, go to see Sam. There's no reason you can't. This isn't like after Rosslyn."

"I know."

"You're wondering why I wanted to see you?" Jed guesses. "I want to make sure that after your vacation, you're going to come back here to work. I know you told Leo that you'd take your resignation back, but I'm not completely sure you meant it."

Josh tries to hide the surprise that he feels at Jed's words. He hadn't realized his anger and resentment, and that's how he feels, had still been that obvious in the week since he'd agreed to stay.

"Is it really the job that's getting you down?" Jed asks. "Or is it something else?"

Josh knows he could tell the president about his episodes, he knows he'd understand and be sympathetic, he suspects the president's already guessed. But he doesn't feel he has the right to use Zoey's kidnap as an excuse for a relapse. She's not his daughter, yet the president and Abbey both seem to be handling things much better than he is. 

He decides on a little honesty though. "It's always been work that stopped me thinking about other things. But recently, I don't know, Sir. Everything's been building for too long. The thing with Phillips was just the final straw I guess."

Jed's well aware that it's far more than that. He's seen it in Josh's eyes, the haunted look. The first time he'd noticed Zoey zoning out it'd taken him a few hours to realize where he'd seen that look before. Then it'd come to him. He was stood on the Truman balcony, watching the fireworks, when it had hit him. It was the same look Josh had had the Christmas after Rosslyn. The last few weeks, when he's watched Josh, he's seen that same look starting to creep back.

"You need a vacation. You need to get completely away from all this. You've not had more than two days off together since we took office, apart from the three months in 2000 of course, but I don't think they were much of a break for you. You came back to work too early then. None of us tried to stop you because we needed you at work, but we also wanted to see you here so that we knew everything was okay and back to normal. This time, Josh, I don't give a damn about work. You need a long overdue vacation."

"Sir, nobody else gets....... "

"Nobody else was shot and almost died, Josh. This isn't special treatment. You do know how serious hypothermia can be?"

"Yes," Josh reluctantly admits. 

"So do I. But not because you've told anyone and they've told me, because you haven't, have you?" Jed asks, Josh shakes his head. "Then it's lucky that I'm married to a thoracic surgeon isn't it?"

"Very lucky, Sir."

Jed smiles. "You know two weeks will fly by. And the weather in Florida and California will be good for you."

"Yes, Sir.

Jed has a sudden thought. "Take Donna with you, to see Sam at least."

"Sir?"

Jed smiles at Josh shocked reaction. "If she doesn't want to go with you, she doesn't have to. But she needs a break as well."

"Don't you think it might look a little odd, Sir, if I take my assistant away with me?"

"You know what, Josh, I don't care. The last couple of months have taught me that there's more to life than what the press think about us. I'll see you in two weeks."

* * *

"We've got two weeks off, starting tomorrow," Josh tells Donna as they leave the building.

"We?"

"Yeh. It seems the President thinks you deserve a break."

"Really, he said that?" Donna asks. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to Connecticut for a couple of days, and then Florida and California."

"You're going to see Sam and your mom."

"Yeh." Josh turns to face her as they walk through the parking lot. "Want to come?"

"Yeh," Donna replies before she thinks about it. "I can't. It'd look wrong."

"According to the President there's more important things that what the press think of us. He thinks you should come and see Sam with me."

"Jed Bartlet told you that?"

Josh nods. "I could go to Connecticut and then to see my mom while you go to Wisconsin. If we meet up here in a week we could go to California together."

"Yeh okay, it'll be good to Sam. I'll stay here though until you get back."

"Why?"

"My parents are away in Canada for a week. My mom wanted to see Niagara Falls."

"Come to Connecticut then?"

"Really?"

"Yeh."

"OK," Donna smiles.

Continued....... (with no shipping I promise)


	6. Saugatuck

TITLE: **RELAPSE, Part 5 - SAUGATUCK**  
AUTHOR: Jacinta  
SUMMARY: Josh is going to Connecticut, but first Margaret has a request.  
SPOILERS: Nothing  
CHARACTERS: Josh, Leo, Margaret, Donna and CJ  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: I'm sorry I know they're not mine, please don't sue, how will I feed my horse if you take my money? 

* * *

SUNDAY

Josh is planning on going to Connecticut this afternoon and staying for a night. He wants to visit some people and places that he's not had time to go to for a while. He's just finished packing an overnight bag when Margaret arrives at his apartment.

"I won't stay long. I know you're eager to get away. Donna's quite excited, although that could just be from having two weeks off work." Margaret sits down on Josh's sofa and waits for him to do the same.

"What's up?" 

"Leo."

"Right," Josh tries not to sound too dismissive.

Margaret notes Josh's tone, but she's determined to have her say. "When you've worked closely with someone for a long time you get to know their moods, you can tell what they're thinking. I know it's the same with you and Donna." When Josh doesn't speak, Margaret continues. "When we heard that the plane had gone missing, I've only ever seen him look like that a couple of times before." This time she waits for a response.

"Go on."

She sighs, this is going to be harder than she imagined. "Rosslyn was possibly the first time I've seen him look scared. It was understandable, you and the president had both been shot and even though we knew the president was going to be fine, it was two days before you were out of danger and Leo was terrified. Then in July, when Zoey was kidnapped, he had the same look."

"I don't........."

"Last Friday, when we waited for news, he looked that way again. He was scared half to death for you."

"I wasn't the only one missing," Josh points out.

"No," Margaret agrees. "He was worried about everyone, but it was you he was scared for. He'd kill me if he knew I was telling you this."

"Then why are you?"

Margaret shakes her head in exasperation. "Because he thought you could be dead and he'd never have chance to apologize. God, Josh. He wants everything to be okay between you again, but you have to want it too."

"He's had a week to tell me that himself."

"You really think he could? Can you really imagine that? I thought you knew him better......."

"So it's up to me?" Josh asks. "I've tried talking to him, Margaret. Every time we mention what happened we just end up arguing."

"So you think it's better not to mention it all, just to let it fester. You think that'll fix it?"

"Well what do you suggest?"

"I know you're angry with him, the whole West Wing knows you're angry with him, but he did what he thought was best, he tried to control the damage......."

"Look, I know you're loyal to Leo, but you don't know the whole story."

"Maybe I don't. But I do know that you're both hurt over this and it's ridiculous. You're going away for two weeks, when you come back it'll be worse than it is now. If you don't talk it'll just get worse."

"Have you told him this?"

"Yes."

"What did he say?" Josh asks curiously.

"He says you won't listen and that you're probably right, so there's no point. He thinks it'll sort itself out, but he's an idiot."

Josh can't help but smile at that. "Am I going to get this from Donna?"

"Yes."

"Fine. I'll go and see him."

"Thank you," Margaret smiles.

_________________________________________________

Half an hour later, Josh finds himself knocking on Leo's door. When Josh phoned to ask if he could come over, Leo had actually sounded quite pleased. 

"Come in. You want a drink?"

"Yeh, a coffee please."

"Aren't you going to Connecticut?"

"In a couple of hours. I thought we should talk."

"_You_ thought?"

"Donna and Margaret think we should talk," Josh amends.

Leo smiles, "Actually most of the White House seem to think we should either talk or just kill each other."

"You want to try talking, or just move on to the second option and get it over with?"

Leo hands Josh a coffee and sits down. "I don't know what else to say," he admits. "I know that the president was right, I was making it personal and I was being harder on you than I would have been on the others, but it was more than that, and it wasn't just about you."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeh. I've had some time to think about it. It was the final straw wasn't it?"

"Why'd you......?"

"It's what I told the president the other day. I told him things had been building for a while and Phillips was just the final straw for me. After Margaret left, I suddenly realized it was for you too."

"After Margaret left?" Leo asks.

"She came to bully me," Josh smiles.

"Threatened you with Donna?"

"Yeh. It's a long drive to Westport."

"You're driving?"

"It's not like we're in a rush."

"I guess not. You're flying to LA though and Florida?"

"I'm not frightened of flying, Leo," Josh laughs. "Though I may not be quite so keen to use private jets in future."

"I don't really see that being a problem," Leo tells him. "It's been a bad few months, but it's not all your fault."

"No, but I should have told you that things weren't going too well."

"Why didn't you?"

"You didn't look too hot yourself," Josh replies. "You want to talk about it?"

Leo smiles but shakes his head. "There's nothing to talk about."

"You have to talk about things, Leo, that's one thing I've learnt. Granted it's a lesson I keep forgetting, but you're one of the people that keep reminding me of it."

"He didn't want to take Shareef out. I talked him into it."

"And? He needed taking out, Leo, I don't see......"

"Oh come on, Josh. I know we denied that Zoey's kidnap had anything to do with Shareef, but we know otherwise."

"Doesn't make it your fault. And Zoey's fine."

Leo looks at Josh and sighs. "Yeh, yeh she's fine. She's fine in much the same way that you are."

"Thanks," Josh replies dryly. "She's getting counseling, she'll be okay. It gets better."

"This from the man who has nightmares about a fire from 30 years ago," Leo says, immediately wishing he hadn't.

"Yeh, but maybe if I hadn't waited 30 years to talk about it....." Josh shrugs. "That's part of the reason I'm going to Connecticut. I want to go and see the house again."

"Why?" Leo asks.

"Because I need to face it. I know it'll have changed, and I've no intention of going in. I shouldn't think the current owners even know. But I need to see it."

"You been talking to your therapist about the fire?"

"Yeh."

"Does it help?"

Josh would like to say yes, he really wishes he could say yes, but he can't. "It's been over thirty years; I don't think anything'll change how I feel. But I promised Stanley I'd try. I've only had a couple of sessions where I've talked about it so," he shrugs, "I don't know."

"Have you any nightmares since?"

Josh looks suspiciously at Leo. "No," he lies.

Leo doesn't believe that for a minute, but he doesn't want another fight, not now, so he nods and doesn't comment.

Josh knows he's doing it again. He's questioning Leo's motives for asking something that he wouldn't normally think twice about. That something he has to try and stop. If he can't trust Leo not to have an ulterior motive all the time how can he carry on working for him? "Yeh," he says.

Leo feels strangely relieved by that admission. It seems like a huge step forward in rebuilding their relationship. A couple of months ago, Josh wouldn't have thought twice about admitting to Leo he had nightmares about the fire that killed his sister, but since the Phillips incident he'd have denied it vehemently. Leo knows that after thirty four years it's unlikely that the nightmares will stop completely. He still hopes that Josh can be convinced it wasn't his fault though. "You think talking about it'll help?"

"Stanley thinks it will, so does my mom," Josh shrugs.

"What do you think?"

"I don't see how it will, but maybe. Not a very positive attitude I know." Josh stands, "I should get going."

"I will see you in a couple weeks won't I?"

"The president asked me that."

"I know, you didn't really answer him though. Are you coming back?"

Josh nods, "I'll be back at my desk, annoyong you, before you know it."

_________________________________________________

Josh pulls up reasonably close to Donna's building. He walks up the street and rings her buzzer. "I'm coming," she tells him. Two minutes later she walks out of the front door with an overnight bag. "You sure you want me to come with you?"

"Yeh."

"Good. Give me your keys."

"Why?"

"You're ill; driving a car to Connecticut won't help."

"I've had hypothermia, now I'm fine and I'm driving."

"Is that some male macho thing?"

Josh grins, "Here, you drive then. I'll sleep." He hands her the keys and climbs in the passenger side. "I went to see Leo, so you don't need to hassle me for the next five hours."

"How'd it go?"

"I don't know to be honest. It was better, I guess."

_________________________________________________

"So what are your plans?" Donna asks over breakfast at their hotel the following morning.

"I want to go and see where we used to live when I was a kid."

Donna smiles, "At least you remember that your mom doesn't live there anymore."

"Funny girl," Josh smiles. "I didn't mean that house. I thought I might go and see where the fire was."

Donna stops buttering her toast and stares at Josh. "The house is still there?"

"Yeh, it was repaired. You think it's a dumb idea don't you?"

"I don't know to be honest. Won't it be upsetting?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"Have you been back before?"

"I haven't, no. It's in Bridgeport."

"I thought you'd always lived here, in Westport."

"No. My grandfather lived here, after the fire we moved in with him for a while and then my mom and dad bought a house just round the corner from him. Joanie's buried at the cemetery here. I never went back to the first house."

"Why go now then?"

"I've been talking to Dr Hornby about the fire, I just thought.... if I see it now, if I see it as it is, a completely different house, maybe.... I don't know. I don't see how it can hurt."

"Okay, but I'm coming with you." What worries Donna is that the house may look the same now as it did before the fire. She knows Josh hasn't been sleeping, she's seen how tired he is. She's worried that he's going to have a flashback to that night.

_________________________________________________

"It's a nice house," Donna comments, but Josh is looking across the street at another house. This one's almost identical to the rest in the road. It's painted cream, there are two trees at the front, an SUV in the drive and, most worrying for Donna, there's a for sale board.

Josh is watching the house. He sees the trees, they were saplings when they lived there, they may not even be the same ones. The upstairs windows look the same, the left one had been his room, the right one Joanie's. The lawn at the front looks good; his dad would have pleased about that. The gate to the back yard, the gate he'd run through that night, still looks the same, as does the small fence he'd climbed. The gate's closed and he's glad because it means he can't see the kitchen. He knows if it was open he'd force himself to look through it.

Donna's stopped watching the house and is now watching Josh. He hasn't moved since they pulled up. He's sat staring across the street. She doesn't know whether to interrupt him or not. She can't actually think what to say. She spared the need to think of anything by a knock on the window. She sees Josh jump as she winds the window down. "Hi," she smiles.

"Hey, you folks here to view the house?"

Josh recovers quickly and shakes his head. "No," he tells the middle aged man. "We're in Bridgeport for the day and I used to know the Fisher's, next door to you."

Although Josh sounds normal and friendly to the stranger, to Donna he sounds tense and more than a little upset.

"Yeh, nice family. Two boys," the man gives them a curious look.

"Mark and Collin," Josh tells him.

"That's right," the man smiles, and Josh feels like he's past a test. "I'm Arthur Goodwin. We're waiting for a couple to come and view the house but they're late. The Fisher's moved out about ten years ago now."

Josh already knew that. He smiles his best politician's smile, "It's a long time since I was here, we just drove by on the off chance." He nods across at his old house, "Looks like your viewers have arrived."

"Yes. I'm sorry to have disturbed you," Arthur smiles.

"Good luck with the sale," Donna tells him as she winds the window up and Arthur walks back to his house. "You okay?" she asks Josh.

"Yeh," he nods. "It's for sale then?"

"I don't know whether........" Donna begins.

"No," Josh agrees. "Definitely a bad idea."

_________________________________________________

"Home," Josh grins as he looks across the street at his parent's old house, the house that'll always be home.

"Not anymore," Donna grins back. "Your mom's in Florida now."

"Yeh," Josh gives a mock sigh. "We better not stop, I think one suspicious householder is enough for one day. I want to show you something," he smiles.

Donna glances at Josh as he drives. He hasn't said very much since they left Bridgeport, but he does seem fine, for now. "Where we going?" 

"A tour of my childhood."

"Will I get to meet people who'll tell me secrets from your past?"

"Not a chance."

Two hours later they've seen where he played baseball, where he broke his wrist when he fell out of a tree and they've been for a walk along the beach. Josh is actually quite enjoying showing Donna places from his childhood and she's enjoying being there with him. Work's been so intense for so long now that she'd forgotten how much fun he could be. Once they've eaten lunch though she knows there's one more thing he needs to do.

"You can go there alone you know," she tells him. "I understand."

Josh smiles, "Thanks. I just......"

"I know, it's private. I'll wait here and read the paper."

Donna sits in the car and reads through the local paper while Josh walks into the cemetery, to where most of his family is buried. There are three graves, side by side. The first is his sister's. When he was a child and his mom used to come here and talk to her, he thought it was strange, now he finds himself telling her about visiting the old house, about taking Donna to his old haunts. The next grave is his grandfather's. They'd always been very close and Josh misses him as much as he misses his dad. He tries out his Polish and finds he can still speak it, but it's been fifteen years and he can imagine his grandfather groaning at some of his pronunciation. He smiles, apologizes and places a pebble on the grave. The third grave is his father's. He touches the headstone and smiles sadly, wondering what he'd think about the rift between his friend and son.

_________________________________________________

CJ walks into Leo's office and waits for him to notice her. "Leo?" she prompts after a few seconds.

"Yeh?" he asks absently.

"Did you know that Donna went to Connecticut with Josh?" 

"Yeh, why?"

CJ hands Leo the photograph she was given this morning.

Leo studies the image of Josh and Donna sat on a bench near the river. "OK."

"You don't seem too bothered."

"They're sat looking out over the Saugatuck."

"Leo! They're sat pretty close."

"It's November in Connecticut, it'd be cold."

"They're holding hands."

"Yeh," Leo agrees. The photograph doesn't show their faces too clearly and they obviously didn't know it was being taken. Leo can hazard a guess that the reason they're holding hands, or rather Donna's holding Josh's hand, is because he's upset. He knows Josh intended going to Bridgeport, he also knows he'll have been to the cemetery, so it's a fair guess that Donna's comforting him.

"That's all you can say?"

"Who gave you the picture?"

"Chris. Her parents are the elderly couple by the railings, the photo was suppose to be of them. They showed it to her last night when they got back. She thought I might like to see it."

"Is she going to do anything with it?"

"No, and I wouldn't imagine her parents are about to write the Enquirer, but that's not the point. If something's going on between Josh and Donna I need to know so I can be prepared when the questions start. And they will start, Leo."

"There's nothing going on," Leo assures her, he looks back at the photograph, at Josh's stance, at the way Donna's watching him and he's surprised CJ doesn't see it, but then she isn't looking for it. "He's upset."

"He is?" CJ looks at the picture again.

"Take my word for it, nothing's going on." 

_________________________________________________

Donna sits in Josh's living room, with the TV volume turned down, reading a magazine and drinking a cup of tea. Josh is asleep next door and she doesn't want to disturb him, she knows he didn't sleep well last night, she heard him get up at least twice. 

It had been late when they got back from Westport. They'd had some dinner, watched television and Donna had stayed in the guest room. It's nearly 8am and she knows she'll have wake him soon because they're flying to Florida in a few hours. She's about to go and make him a coffee when her cell phone rings. 

"Where are you?" CJ asks.

"Josh's apartment."

"Why are you whispering?"

"I don't want to wake him. What's wrong?"

"It's 8am and you're at Josh's apartment even though he's apparently asleep," CJ replies a little sharply.

"I stayed the night, in the spare room. It's not like I haven't stayed before, what's the problem?"

"You went to Connecticut with him and you're going to Florida and California with him. You can see where this is going?"

"CJ!" Donna replies. "I stayed in the spare room last night, as have you before now. We had separate rooms in Westport, we're staying with him mom in Florida and we have separate rooms in California. We go away together all the time."

"That's work, this is pleasure. Donna, I'm just thinking of the press."

Donna can understand how it may look at little odd, her going to visit Josh's mother with him, so she avoids that one. "Why would the press think it's odd that Josh and I are going to visit Sam?"

"Maybe they won't, they may think it odd that you're going to Florida with him."

"It's winter, it's nice and warm in Florida, I'm on vacation, Josh just happens to be there as well."

"Is that how I'm supposed to play it?" CJ asks. "What about Westport, why'd you go there?"

"That's no one else's business, it was private. Josh had some things to do there."

"That's what I should tell the press?"

"No, you shouldn't tell them anything."

"There's a photograph of you and him holding hands while sitting by the river," CJ tells her. 

Donna takes the phone into the spare room so as not to disturb Josh. "He was upset, he'd just been to the cemetery and to Bridgeport."

"What's in Bridgeport?"

"The house where his sister died."

"He went there?"

"I didn't think it was a good idea, but he was determined, so I went with him. By the time he'd been to the cemetery as well he was pretty upset. Who took a picture of us?"

"It was a tourist snap, Chris in the gaggle's parents."

"Is it going to be a thing?"

"No. Donna, if anything did happen with you and Josh......"

"CJ!"

"I'm just saying, I know it's private, but you have to let me know, because..... "

"I understand why, that's why nothing's going to. We're just friends, CJ."

CJ relents, for now. "Yeh, okay, I'm sorry. What time's your flight?"

"1.20."

"Have a good time while we're all stuck in cold damp Washington," CJ tries to lighten the conversation.

"I'll send you a postcard," Donna smiles. "Nothing's going to happen, honestly, but if it did you'd be the first to know."

continued......


End file.
